Today's laughably bad Express front page
manages to combine a couple of their favourite obsessions: food and foreigns. They're not just poisonous eggs that are going to kill us all; they're Spanish poisonous eggs, coming over here, stealing our food scares. Yes! Eggs get GIVEN A FREE CARDBOARD BOX (and guess who's paying?!) to live in and go straight to the front of the queue for omelettes, while our own indigenous British eggs from hardworking taxpaying British hens are chucked in the fucking bin so these foreign interlopers can invade with their eggy minarets and funny foreign ways, the dirty bastards.
Well, something like that, anyway. It all fits in neatly with the Express's fear of contamination - it's not just those swarthy types who are striding across our borders and threatening to extinguish our way of life; now foreign foodstuffs are doing it as well. And wouldn't you know it? Those pesky immigrant eggs are far more dangerous than British ones. Do you think there might be some kind of parallel there?
As Badjournalism points out, though, this is bad news for anyone who, having read yesterday's Express front page had decided to make themselves a mushroom omelette. On the one hand, the mushrooms will definitely absolutely certainly beat cancer and make you live forever; but on the other, the eggs (if they're wearing talking funny, eating paella and sloping off in the afternoon for a snooze, most likely, or something) are going to kill you, definitely, almost certainly, probably, in all likelihood, or they might not, but that's beside the point.
What's it going to be tomorrow? Alzheimer's-curing sausages with brain-killing mash? How are we supposed to do the weekly shop without all the answers? TELL ME, EXPRESS! TELL ME WHAT I CAN EAT, FOR GOD'S SAKE! THE CHILDREN ARE STARVING!