4Aug/095
Spare me the madness
Watching television is often like being like Peter Duncan's ill-fated character in Flash Gordon - we are all plunging our hands into the tree-stump maze, hoping not to be attacked by the evil pulsating bladder within; and yet, more often than not, we end up mortally wounded and have to appeal to camper-than-Christmas Timothy Dalton to finish us off with his weapon, pleading: "Spare me the madness!"
OK, so watching television isn't a lot like being Peter Duncan's ill-fated character in Flash Gordon, but you get the general idea. Every now and then you get attacked by something unpleasant, and every now and then you wish that someone would step in and end it all. In the case of Big Brother, which is lurching through its 10th series, I just wish someone would end it rather than me. I've had enough.
Scunt has a rather good post on this. It's reached that stage where I just can't bear to look at the programme any more. All the twists and turns have been anticipated long before they've even been dreamt up. All the characters are fairly predictable types. You can even rehearse most of the dialogue before you've even seen it. It offers nothing new or interesting or watchable or fun.
I know for many of you, this is hardly a revelation. A lot of people can't stand the programme anyway, and that's fair enough; but I was one of those who actually quite liked it. I rather enjoyed it down the years, getting to know the tragic inhabitants, picking favourites and wondering who'd win and who wouldn't. But this long, slow death of Big Brother doesn't do anyone any favours. It's time to be kind, buy it an air ticket to Geneva and tell it to pop round to Dignitas to see the nice lady with the lethal injection. It's time, I'm afraid.
This year has been especially unappealing, and it's just exposed the emptiness at the heart of the programme if you can't summon up the empathy. Exactly who are we meant to be rooting for in there? Which of the colossal arses in there is meant to be someone we'd even give a shit about, let alone warm to? I can't stand any of them. Any of them. They're all monstrously arrogant ("I'm quite a big deal" smirked Jack-the clippy-out-of-On-the-Buses-toothed posh Bristolian Bea the other day, without any evidence as to why on earth that might be) and yet feebly equipped for adult life. Is this the same as it's always been? I don't think so.
I just think it marks a point beyond which there's no point in going. Contestants are too savvy to the cameras that you end up with a ridiculous scenario in which people are acting like they don't know or care they're on camera, while actually being all too painfully aware of how they'll be seen or how they'll be edited, fearing the boo of the pantomime crowd on their exit; they despise their fellow housemates who 'play up to the cameras', while knowing that the bit where they accuse them of playing up to the cameras is being filmed and may well be used on the highlights show. It's got to such eating-your-own-arse levels of postmodernism that fuzzy-faced eyes-too-close-together martial arts oddball Marcus regularly rants to Big Brother about what makes good television and what doesn't - but does that make good television?
The trouble is, the contestants are now not really drawn from the general public any more, if they ever were in the first place. They're more likely to come from model agencies or the ever-growing pool of existing reality show contestants than they are to be gurning wannabes who made it through an open audition process. The only way you could rectify that would be to drag in 12 people off the street at random and ask them to be on the show. You'd avoid the knowing attempts to get on the highlights by rowing, fighting, snogging or approximating outrageousness. God knows it might even be better, or at least have some whiff of verisimilitude.
What we're left with is just a bunch of rather smug, tedious student types sharing a pretty colourful hall of residence, attempting to outdo each other and be seen as being the good one, the decent one, the honest one, the truthful one. It's just not fun any more and it's not really believable - much less so than it ever was. Whereas once you might consider suspending your disbelief for an hour a day to watch Big Brother, nowadays you just think: oh, what's the bloody point?
As Peter Duncan said: Spare me the madness. But rather than being dispatched by Timmy Dalton's shiny sword, I think I'll just not bother with Big Bro any more.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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August 4th, 2009 - 12:26
Oh come on…Bea's 'big deal' comment was a joke! Shureley someone as sharp as you would have picked up on that!
You've made a misstep here Anton. You should know that the only thing more boring than Big Brother is people moaning about it, especially those 'it's not as good as it was' twerps.
This year is vintage BB…light and frothy with a bittersweet aftertaste. It's all about who you want to win least, not most!
August 4th, 2009 - 12:50
I reckon they should consider something radical, like putting interesting people in there. Find some properly eloquent political activists, Guardian readers, old school tories and trade unionists, a priest and an Imam and Richard Dawkins and George Monboit and Benjamin Zephaniah (he's a vegan, that'll piss everyone off) and Marcus Brigstocke and someone from the IRA. Or something.
And you could call it Big Brother Battle Royale: Battle of the Beliefs. And only give weapons to the pacifists.
August 4th, 2009 - 14:54
I think Guide2Bristol's made the mis-step here, I was just thinking what a grand post that was and then I thought it may make some BB loving loon vent their spleen in your face and play the old 'calling BB names is boring' when in reality it is a civic duty.
It really is a dead, sad, old concept that needs putting down, it has reached a terrible vulgar low of knowing characterisations and the playing of parts; its an audition process for shit media jobs.
The viewing figures alone, which have got lower and lower each year speaks volumes and yes, it's not just the numbers it's the percentage of viewing public.
Can we not have a decent bit of drama instead? We're already miles behind the US in this field, perhaps C4 can use the funds to make good TV drama…chance would be a fine thing.
August 4th, 2009 - 15:41
I only got as far as the first series. That was enough for me.
I did think the only way to liven it up would be to turn it mid series in to something like Running Man, but Hannahs' suggestion sounds good, and more plausible too.
August 5th, 2009 - 09:03
When I open the TV guide I'm still surprised each time to see that it's still on.
Last time I caught the Geordie voice-over trying to get me to phone premium rate numbers it seemed the competition was between 'Dogface' and a Wolverine look-alike; which I think was a scene lifted directly from the latest X-men spino-ff movie.
Actually there's a thought – Big Brother: The Movie.