Inspired by this post of Justin's, I've decided to try and enliven the next couple of hours or so of our lives by pretending that the Budget is actually quite an interesting thing as opposed to a load of old cock we all knew about anyway with one minor surprise that turns out to be totally pointless but gets roared to the rafters anyway, endlessly analysed for impenetrably dull hours afterwards by inept gurning nitwits who wouldn't know one end of a shopping list from another, let alone actual important economic things, yet who somehow claim some spurious insight into the world of finance by dint of having stripey shirts.
How to make it interesting...? Well, now that the Telegraph Twitterfall has put up the barricades and stopped us having our childish fun, it must be alcohol of course. And with duty on booze set to rise almost probably within a few weeks or something, what better time to stock up your crescent-shaped stone-clad home bar with new goodies? So crack open a can of Tennents Super (it's the only thing we can afford under BrownandDarlingandNuLab, eh? Eh? Eh?) and let's see if we can't get through this whole mucky business.
Wide shot of 'panel of ordinary people' who look anything but ordinary, bored to be there if we're perfectly honest and sweating a bit under the lights, gazing off into the distance waiting to be asked a banal question about "What does it mean for you?" by an overenthusiastic Tristram in a regional studio - TAKE A DRINK
David Gray-esque noddy-headed politician in glasses and open-neck shirt mutters about how they'd have done it all better than what this lot have done - TAKE A DRINK
Someone makes pitiful pun on Darling's name, as if it's the first fucking time in history that anyone's even thought about doing that, as if the entirety of Blackadder Goes Forth never even fucking well got broadcast, as if it's original, or clever, or good, or anything other than a tired, glib, dirty little cliche that should be stamped to death and chopped up into little pieces before being fed to an army of angry ants - TAKE A DRINK
Whizzy-but-ultimately-pointless graphics that add nothing whatsoever to your understanding of what's going on but kept some overdrugged 12-year-old in gainful employment while you sit on your threadbare not-yet-paid-for DFS furniture, eating spaghetti hoops out of a tin, crying softly to yourself at the despair of it all, wondering where it all went wrong - TAKE A DRINK
The Mighty Robert Peston gargles into life, looking like Ray Reardon circa the 1979 World Snooker Championship and sounding like Chewbacca with a wasp in his throat, but actually says something quite interesting - TWO DRINKS
Some shit about 'what it means to the average family' who are not like your family in the slightest, and who appear to be a right smug bunch of bastards with four times as much money as you, who have about 58 cars between them, and a massive fuckoff kitchen the size of an aircraft carrier, and still somehow find some reason or other to complain about how they're on the verge of poverty and how on earth will little Tobias be able to go on a gap-decade now? - TAKE A DRINK
Some fat bald pub landlord, posing as 'ordinary businessman' but who is actually head of local UKIP/BNP, whines about how 'our masters in Brussels' are really to blame for everything and how 'SMEs' have been 'betrayed' by Darling and Brown - TAKE A DRINK
Nick Robinson chortles on like a pocket-sized slaphead version of that bear with the erection from Bo Selecta, but with less subtlety and wit, making you gradually lose all respect for the entire human race, changing you from a peace-loving vegan into a gone-postal sociopath taking potshots at grannies from the top of a bell tower - TWO DRINKS
Jowly overfed Tory with skin like boiled ham sneers and bellows about how taxing anyone ever is wrong and how this is 'class war from Labour' - TWO DRINKS
Shot of Chancellor with battered briefcase - THROW DRINK AT TV SET
Former Chancellor (esp Lawson) burbles on about how difficult it is to be Chancellor - RUN DOWN TO TV STUDIO AND THROW DRINK OVER HIM, SHOUTING ABUSE AS YOU GET DRAGGED AWAY BY SECURITY
Anyway, all suggestions welcome.