...that I would be proved wrong about the wonderful story of Oluchi Nwaubani, who recovered from 'drowning' for 20 minutes in a tale of miracle survival. But no, that great story mysteriously didn't make it to any of the front pages of the national papers, who chose startlingly interesting photos of bankers sitting at a table instead to thrill their readers.
Apart from the Express, of course, who just can't help themselves sometimes when it comes to concocting something truly shite:
NOW EGGS ARE GOOD FOR YOU! In tomorrow's Express: SOME OTHER RESEARCH SAYS SOMETHING ELSE WHICH DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS WHAT WE'VE SAID TODAY, SO THAT MUST NOW BE THE COMPLETE AND UTTER TRUTH IN FUCKING ENORMOUS CAPITAL FUCKING LETTERS ON OUR FRONT PAGE, BECAUSE WE HAVE NO ABILITY TO THINK ABOUT THINGS, WE JUST BLINDLY REPEAT ANYTHING WE'VE HEARD ABOUT FOOD ANYWHERE EVER, WHETHER IT GIVES YOU CANCER OR NOT, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF WE NEEDLESSLY SCARE YOU, WE JUST WANT YOU TO PICK UP THE FUCKING PAPER, IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
As well as that, there's the case of a girl who was a mum at 15, now having triplets. AND YES OF COURSE, THEY'RE ON BENEFITS! Like, dur, yeah, child benefits, which are payable to everyone in the country who has children, regardless of how old they are. Or would the Express like to see child benefits taken away from the kind of people they don't like? Hmm. Probably they would actually...