...and luckily enough for me (in so many ways) I'm not Bobby Zamora.
Right then. The Mail is pretending to be all "Squee! Children as young as sperm have been taken to a concert where ladies are prancing around in skimpy clothing, showing their cameltoes and so forth!".
The confected outrage and suburban housewife pearl-clutching is a joy to behold:
WAGs Alex Curran and Sheree Murphy took their young daughters to watch the female pop group The Pussycat Dolls before heading off to party in Liverpool on Friday.
Miss Curran, who is married to Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard, was seen with four-year-old Lily-Ella as she headed to the Echo Arena for the concert.
The Pussycat Dolls are known for their sexy stage costumes and racy performances and the show also included support act Lady GaGa, another singer known for appearing in racy ensembles.
Hang on a minute though, if we were regular Mail readers we'd know all about these 'racy ensembles', for this is the same Mail that brought you eye-poppingly giant pictures of this apparently terrible spectacle, most of which were handily enlargeable so you could
have a more satisfying wank see just how appallingly naughty and bad and wrong this disgraceful episode against our children really was. Imagine if those tiny kids had been on the internet and had seen such depravity! Eeek!
As well as that, it's the same newspaper/website that has brought you vital stories about what women look like when they don't wear clothes on their bums and what women look like when they're in their underwear, just in case you were curious about what that might be.
Also, this week the Mail has been popping a gasket over the fact that children as young as tiny tots innocently surfing the internet can find books with "Fuck" in the title, if they search for the word "fuck".
By the way, if you - or children as young as toddlers innocently looking for Bob the Builder and the Tweenies - were to search for "crotch thrusting pussycat" on Google, which family-friendly website do you think would come up as the number one result? Of course it is.