ITV football: What a crock
Let me just remind you of ITV's coverage of football down the years. Because it didn't suddenly become shit last night.
- Brian Moore growling "Now, what sort of cross...? Wurrrrrrghhharrrrrrrghhh! It's a guuuuuuuuuuuurdwwaaaaaaan and it's intherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!".
- Andy Townsend's Tactics Truck.
- A confused-looking Gazza in Trafalgar Square surrounded by pissed idiots spraying cans of lager.
- Greavsie's t-shirts during the 1990 World Cup - I particularly remember "Let the Bull loose", a plea for Steve Bull to rescue England's hopes in the tournament.
- Mick Channon and "the boy Line-acre" in Mexico 86.
- Robbie Earle and some other useless shouting cunt (might have been Townsend) standing at a table in front of the pitch before Champions League games, having a competition to see who could say "I tell you what Des/Steve" the most times.
- I don't want to labour the point, but Townsend's Tactics Truck. At least Match of the Day realised "The Brooking Brief" was a pile of wank and cancelled it after a solitary outing.
- David Pleat as summariser. Sounds like a chartered accountant from Bracknell talking about a council meeting, but without the passion.
- "The Premiership".
- Thinking that Sam Allardyce is going to say anything good/interesting ever.
- Going to an ad break just before kickoff, let alone in the middle of extra-time.
- The Match, or as it came to be known, "Liverpool v".
- Townsend's Tactics Truck.
- Keggy Keegle: "There's only one side gonna win this now, and that's England."
- Gary Newbon, touchline reporter. "Well, the mood on the bench here is, as you'd expect..."
- Clive Tyldesley: "This, er, reminds me, haha, of a certain balmy night in Barcelona..."
Yet still, somehow, they are allowed to screen our national game.
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February 5th, 2009 - 13:01
Don’t forget ITV Digital. Thanks for that cunts!
February 5th, 2009 - 13:22
A bit of football trivia for you, the Sheffield Wednesday fanzine, War of the Monster Trucks, is actually named after shit ITV coverage.
Through the 80s Wednesday fans became increasingly insensed at ITV Yorkshire bias towards Leeds in the amount of coverage (and kids, you’ll have to believe me when I tell you that both teams were actually quite good at one time!)they got. One Sunday Leeds were not playing and Wednesday were. Great, thought the Hillsborough faithful, we can finally see our team on the tv.
Wrong, thought ITV, and proceeded to screen “War of the Monster Trucks” instead leaving Wednesdayites fuming. The fanzine was started in protest.
February 5th, 2009 - 14:43
The other pitchside useless shouting cunt was Ally McCoist IIRC. And yes, Brian Moore was indeed fucking useless. “Kevin, you know David Batty better than anyone… do you back him to score here?”. ITV Digital is another good mention, though that was in large part the fault of the Football League for drawing up such a useless contract with them. Don’t forget their persistent employment of Terry fucking Venables, a man whose reputation in the game (he once beat Holland 4-1!!!!!!) will never cease to amaze me, and Peter Drury, who (along with Pleat) managed probably the most incompetent 90 minutes of football commentary in recorded history during Italy v USA in WC2006. Selected highlights: Drury shouts “EQUALISER!” after the USA scored a goal that had been disallowed for offside, and which would have put the USA 2-1 up anyway; Drury reads out a list of Italian Americans in his usual disgustingly pompous style, ending with “Christopher Columbus discovered the country, for goodness sake!!”; Pleat calls DaMarcus Beasley “Marcus DaBeasley”; Pleat shouts “oh la la”, forgetting that it is Italy rather than France playing.
Relatedly, Leeds fans: not always wrong.
February 5th, 2009 - 23:18
I have a serious problem with any commentator/pundit who continues to express astonishment that a player over six feet tall can control his own feet, also known as the ‘good touch for a big man’ syndrome.
February 6th, 2009 - 09:57
Just for employing Andy Townsend as anything more than a tea-fetcher, ITV ought to be banned from ever even mentioning the word “football”.
I might say the same for the BBC and its continued use of Mark Lawrenson (a complete and utter mindless fucktard), but the beeb has enough critics without me piling on.