Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

I’ve got a picture of you, and you look slightly different

One of the things that genuinely seems to puzzle the Mail is the way in which people can change their appearance. People gain and lose weight; they age as they get older; women may change in size and appearance when they are pregnant.

Simple enough facts obvious to anyone, you might think. But no, if you're the Mail it's vital news that needs to be revealed to a stunned public, who are apparently unaware that people get older, thinner, fatter or change shape when pregnant.

Maybe Mail journalists skipped biology classes at school, and are therefore totally ignorant of these perfectly normal and well recorded phenomena. Or maybe they're a trashy bunch of bastards who hate everyone who doesn't meet their oh-so-exacting standards of what is and what isn't perfection. Hmm.

You'll remember, of course, how the Mail roared at 1970s TV stars Richard O'Sullivan and Paul Daniels for having dared to have grown older over the past 30-odd years (while at the same time pretending to care about Andrew Sachs's feelings in the Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross affair); you'll also recall the Procrustes Bed of thinness and fatness that makes almost every single celebrity too tubby or too skinny to be acceptable.

Yet still, these things astonish the Mail on a daily basis. Much as I may think Steve "Love the show" Wright is about as entertaining as nailing my face to a moving car, who gives a shit if he's put on a bit of weight? Well, the Mail consider it stunningly important:

Steve Weight in the afternoon: Radio 2 DJ has piled on the pounds

Guffaw.

He is one of the biggest names in radio. Now it seems Steve Wright has the frame to match. Not to mention a chin or three.
The 54-year-old DJ, who presents his popular three-hour show on Radio 2 each weekday afternoon, is more famous for his voice than his appearance.

I imagine that's because he presents a radio programme. Could be something to do with that, couldn't it?

Next for the sneering picture caption of the 'before and after', it's Celebrity Big Brother walkaway Mutya Buena:

Celebrity Big Brother star Mutya Buena piles on the pounds after walking out of show

Guffaw. Hang on a minute, that headline's a bit familiar...

Steve Weight in the afternoon: Radio 2 DJ has piled on the pounds

Ah yes. Top work, Mail website headline writers. What superb skills there. Have you got a shortcut key for 'piled on the pounds'?

Celebrity Big Brother star Mutya Buena looked to have gained a few dress sizes as she dropped in at a showbiz party.
The 23-year-old, who walked out of the Big Brother house a week before the final, donned an unflattering black dress as she attended the Nokia 5800 launch party at Punk night club.
With a rounder middle and fuller face, her appearance was a million miles away from the slender look she displayed before entering the house.

Who gives a flying fuck? Not this reader:

She looks happy, stop picking on people because of their weight.
Harriet, Weston super mare

I think you're on the wrong website, Harriet.

That's nothing, though, compared to the mysterious phenomenon of women's bellies expanding when they're pregnant - and then *whispers* magically getting smaller again. What on earth could explain this sorcery? Not the Mail, who have vital photographs showing a woman walking out of her front door:

All buttoned up in a classic raincoat, Dancing On Ice presenter Holly Willoughby looks every inch the expectant mother.
Five months into her pregnancy, it is no surprise the 27-year-old looks so swell as she steps out of her London home.

Apparently it is a fucking surprise to you lot. But then there's the curious case of what happens when women have children... they lose that big tummy. I wonder why? I wonder how? Can we connect the two events of being pregnant and putting on weight? Surely not! It seems the Mail still haven't twigged, as they snap Natasha Kaplinsky at some boring lunch bollocks event type shit:

Natasha Kaplinsky's pay packet set to shrink... but not as her post-baby body

Come again?

Natasha Kaplinsky's pay packet set to shrink... but not as her post-baby body

Right. Who the hell does the Mail employ to write web headlines? If it were Abu Hamza you could understand all the spelling mistakes... but I imagine someone actually got paid real money to write this cobblers.

Natasha Kaplinsky will return to work next month with a slimmer pay packet - and waistline.
The newsreader looked thinner than ever as she mingled with the likes of Kirsty Young, Fiona Bruce and Sarah Brown at the Wellbeing of Women's Annual Lunch Debate in central London today.
Wearing a grey trousers and matching knit top, it was clear the 36-year-old has shed her baby weight - and then some - less than five months after welcoming her first child.

Whoop-de-doo. Astonishing scenes there, as a woman who has recently given birth has somehow, miraculously, lost about seven pounds or so of weight - who knows how? Who knows how this strange event happened? What kind of wizardy made this bizarre thing occur?

Anyway, just for a bit of fun, I thought I'd try a bit of 'now and then' photographs myself. Have a look at this slaphead:

Ho ho! I wonder if he looks the same now, the bald bastard?!

Ooh look! Isn't he older? Isn't he older? Hasn't he got older? Hasn't he PILED ON THE POUNDS? Hasn't he though? Ooh, look, he's slightly different from how he used to look, look at that, the bastard! How dare he look slightly different from what he used to look like! How dare he!

Another face from the past now. Here's a former TV presenter, pictured in the days before he jetted off to Florida:

And here's how he is today:

Ooh, hasn't he PILED ON THE POUNDS? Hasn't he? Hasn't he? Doesn't he look older than he did when he was younger? Doesn't he though? Isn't he? Hasn't he PILED ON THE POUNDS and got a few EXTRA CHINS? How dare he go through the ageing process! How dare he!

If anyone has any photos of Peter Hitchens looking skinny / Melanie Phillips looking vaguely human, then they would work quite as well too, I think.

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Related posts:

1. Are you in this picture?
2. Slightly late with this one…
3. It’s a mental picture all right
4. The Mail and Mischa