Ah, delight. I loved this story from the Mail about laughter being the best medicine. There's not just the nonsensical premise of it, but the layers of balls upon balls that pretend that it's something other than a meaningless torrent of shite.
Feeling miserable about piling on the pounds after Christmas? Then lighten up. . . and lighten up.
Scientists have calculated that an hour of laughter can burn off as many calories as 30 minutes of weightlifting.
And following that routine for a year could lead to a loss of around 11lbs - the equivalent of a dress size.
Other scientists have calculated that no-one in the entire world laughs for an hour solid, thereby torpedoing the entire story. But shhhhh, you'll spoil the
press release for UK Gold important scientific research:
A burst of hearty laughter provides the body with a 'mini-aerobic workout', according to neuroscientist Dr Helen Pilcher.
It makes the heart beat faster and boosts blood flow around the body, she says.
The chest is forced to rise and fall, while the abdominal muscles have to work hard to keep up, tightening the tummy. And the benefits don't end there. Laughter requires help from at least 15 facial muscles, keeping them supple and the skin glowing.
That'll be pretty fucking mini, the workout.
She calculated an hour of laughter burns off half an ounce of fat, so giggling away for an hour a day for a year could rid the body of just over 11lbs.
Likewise, a daily half-hour dose of comedy - the equivalent of an episode of Friends or The Office - could leave you more than 5lbs lighter over the year.
But where - oh where? - could one find a television channel that provided such mirth and merriment in handy half-hour doses? Won't someone tell me? I want my mini aerobic workouts! Where can I find them? Where?
Paul Moreton, of UKTV Gold, which commissioned the analysis, said: 'The Daily Laughter Diet is a fun alternative to joining a gym.
'Gold has a schedule packed full of comedy classics. So reach for your remote, not the leftovers.'
Ah, I see. There we go, then. Well, it's mission accomplished for the telly people, I suppoose, they've got their load of old cock into the paper to make people more aware of their brand, so hooray. Of course it destroys the reputation of the Mail's science coverage - this is in the Health section, for heaven's sake - but then that's so often full of bullshit and potions that surely no-one other than the tragically naive could possibly believe a single word of it, could they?
Actually, perhaps I've got it all wrong. I pissed myself so much at the ineptitude of this barrel of dogshit that I appear to have lost seven pounds in the past five minutes. Maybe there's something to it after all...