Liz Jones: I’m really just a fucking tool, to be honest
I'm warming to my theme started over the weekend, namely that the Mail isn't just shit because of its vile views; it's shit because it's shit. People can ignore the odd ramble by Mad Mel or Dick Littlebrain into the realms of batshit insanity, but when you come across this piece of fucking miserably piss-weak drivel from Liz Jones, you can't pretend the Mail has any pretensions of being a quality paper.
It's tempting, perhaps, to imagine that Jones is a savvy, skilful woman who has created a comedy persona, a bumbling, pathetic Bridget Jones-style narrator who's blissfully unaware of her own shortcomings. But that's not the case. With Liz, what you read is what she is. And what she is is a fucking idiot. The clinching evidence?
The story that made me laugh most over the festive period was that Linda Lusardi, a former Page Three model, had dialled 999 to ask if she could use the hard shoulder of the M25 because she was late for a panto performance and stuck in traffic.
There was a lot of hoo-ha, in fact, about the number of non-emergency calls to the 999 service. But we have all been there, haven’t we?
Er, no. Have we?
I have dialled 999 precisely three times. On the first occasion my new kitten had his head stuck in a hole... The second was when I could hear my missing cat (not the same one) inside a locked garage... The final occasion was when, living in Hackney, I found myself unable to sleep because of the noise of the police helicopters droning overhead. I dialled 999 and asked them to ‘please come down’.
Hello, police? Yes, the world's worst columnist keeps ringing you up and wasting your time. Could you go round her house with a riot van and smash her door down just to teach the fucking stupid bellend a lesson?
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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January 5th, 2009 - 12:01
It may appear sexist but I have a recurring nightmare about drinking too much and waking up next to Liz/Dorian from Birds of a Fevver.
Of course, if an Imman did what Lusardi did because he wanted to lecture at a mosque he’d be someone who didn’t understand OUR culture and decency.
I think she makes LJ’s column seem value for money.
January 5th, 2009 - 12:24
Please tell me how fuckwits like her can get a paid gig when hundreds of talented bloggers cannot?
January 5th, 2009 - 15:54
A relative of mine got appallingly drunk and made a “errr, breathing difficulties”* muppet call to the ambulance service over Christmas. We’re all ashamed, why isn’t she?
* – any call using the words breathing and difficulty is automatically classified as Priority A, immediate reaction, so muppet callers have learned to include the phrase whatever else their imaginary illness may be.