I speak as someone who is quite a fan of trash TV, and Big Brother in particular. I can't help it; there's something about the thing that makes me incapable of looking away and recoiling in horror. I get drawn into these celebrity ants running around a big picnic of television. It makes me smile.
But the choice of this year's contestants is an atrocity against the very principle of creativity. Could they have been any more cookie-cutter fucking predictable and awful if they tried?
Sheridan, Tommy - We had that George Galloway on the other year. Here's another Sweatie firebrand with an enormous ego.
Pinder, Lucy - Guarantees front page of the Star every day from now until eternity, with bullshit headline along lines of "Lucy's SEX promise" or "I'm going to slide up and down the little fella like he's a big human dildo" (OK so I made the last one up, but it's not beyond the realms, is it). Heart of gold undeneath it all, presumably, and 'quite intelligent for a woman whose career involves giving men in trucks a boner in the morning'.
Buena, Mutya - A Costco Amy Winehouse. Heart of gold presumably lurking beneath gruff 'Inspector Regan on a particularly grumpy day' exterior.
Nonentity Cunt From Boyband, Mr - We had that bloke out of Northern Line in the real Big Brother the other year. Here's another nonentity cunt from a boyband. Possible heart of gold, etc.
Jackson, LaToya - We had that other Jackson on the other year. Here's another one. Seasoned reality TV performer, cf Dennis Rodman, Brigitte Nielsen. May at some stage very hopefully say something regarding alleged fiddling tendencies of near relative. Has done skin pics in past, to be dredged up out of the ark of pre-Photoshop through-an-inch-of-vaseline-like-that-bit-in-Star-Trek-when-Kirk-falls-in-love-with-the-alien-lady pretouching and retouching. Heart of gold.
Christian, Terry - Washed-up TV face of 1980s, possibly destined for Les Dennis/Vanessa Feltz-style Alan Partridge TV meltdown. Heart of gold beneath it all.
Heaton, Michelle - Former reality TV contestant and popstar, married to and now separated from other popstar. Guaranteed coverage in tabloids re relationship, photos of her revealing she does indeed possess tits, etc. Possible front page for occasions when Star decides it's time for a change from all those Pinder photos. Possible heart of gold potential.
Coolio - When Flava Flav is busy on reality TV somewhere else, you're going to need Coolio's number. May even have heart of gold underneath it all.
Jonsson, Ulrika - Tabloid fodder ahoy with stories re kids/husband/oooh hasn't her face melted like the Nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark? Presumably a billion "Oh what are you doing, Ulrika? UR so old innit" columns have been written in preparation by female bitch columnists. Will never be credited with heart of gold by them, even if cures lepers with single touch.
Malone, Tina - I think I saw her once on Loose Women. Is that her? Fucking terrible. Presumably taking on the 'fishwife' role for this series. Heart of gold by dint of being working class, ooh won't it be funny seeing her and LaToya Jackson getting on with each other?! etc.
Troyer, Verne - Will probably win it. Already patronised as being 'so cute' by an even-gurnier-than-usual Davina, wearing a dead crow like like she was about to take part in a voodoo ritual, in the opening-night show.