Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

Russell Brand v the Daily Mail: Don’t make me choose between you!

In 'A war with no winners - with a bit of luck' I had a dilemma, given that uber-neocon war-loving hatemongers Fox News had taken a potshot at ultra-Thatcherite war-loving hatemongers the Daily Mail. In an ideal world, of course, it would be a war of mutually assured destruction, with both sides imploding under the weight of sheer contempt towards their ideologically rather similar rivals.

But now it's got even worse for me, and I really can't decide between the Daily Mail and Russell Brand. Regular readers (hi dad! I'll bring the gardening gloves round next weekend) will know that I'm no fan of hedge-haired no-talent mascara-bothering drizzle of lazy tramp's piss Russell Brand; but then, on the other hand, I despise the frazzled oh-wasn't-it-nicer-before-the-blacks 1950s-style Bobby-on-a-bicycle faux-Heartbeat-style nostalgia combined with thinly veiled contempt for minorities or anyone who isn't middle class organ of the WI and racists the Daily Mail.

So where do I stand - where do I possibly hope to be able to stand - now that the Hate has decided to hate Brand instead of gypsies, Muslims, asylum seekers, asylum seeking Muslims and gypsies, black people, white people who haven't got much money, single mothers, women in general, the police, anyone in a trade union and most of the rest of the world apart from John McCain? The front page of the Hate on Sunday made it clear what was going on:

Ah yes, I see. Well we know that Brand has form for being a tediously unfunny cunt when it comes to leaving people phone messages and generally acting like a total arse with a monstrous ego, presumably surrounded by a gaggle of hysterical yes-men who wet themselves silly with every drab syllable that comes out of his beardy gob. I'm sure it seemed a truly wonderful and comically incisive thing to do to leave a juvenile message on Andrew Sachs's answering service; I'm sure it really, really seemed fucking tremendously good at the time.

And as the Beeb's own story goes, there are some rather disingenuous people trying to stick up for the jokeless prick:

The BBC said they are "not aware of receiving a complaint from Mr Sachs".

Oh right, I see. Er, hang on a minute:

The 78-year-old actor's agent, Meg Pool, has written a letter to Radio 2 controller Lesley Douglas asking for an unreserved apology.

Ah yes. Well apart from the complaint, we're not aware of having received a complaint. You fucking licence-fee wasting tosswipe cunts. What the fuck do you think you're doing, trying to force me onto the side of the Mail? It's dimwitted numpties like you who give them open goals to advance their anti-BBC agenda, which is born not of a need to protect the taxpayer from the excesses of the corporation but from a sheer selfish need to have as few competitors as possible.

Christ. Well where do I go with this one? Brand is an arse who contributes nothing to the BBC except making it easier to slag off by people like the Mail. Is that where I'm going to settle with this? No, I can't bring myself to do that. Because look at the Mail's coverage: it's nothing to do with Brand being a stinking jobby on the lawn of life, but it's all about the fact that he works for the BBC. It's all to advance their childishly transparent agenda: The BBC are bad because they're leftie scum and they represent the evil of the state, draining hard-earned taxpayers' money in order to promote their agenda of bad things.

So yes, Brand is a knackered old twit whose monojoke ran out a long time ago. But if other people like him, and he gets a good audience for his abysmally shite Radio 2 show, what can I say? I'm just not in tune with what the young people like nowadays. The whole point of broadcasting is to provide something for everyone - unlike newspapers, which provide something for the people you want to provide something for; in the Mail's case, bastards.

So, given a choice between Brand and the Mail, I'll hold my nose and go for Brand. But I'd much rather the pair of them could be locked in a very deep dungeon far away from everyone and left to rot.

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