Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

And the award for worst bit of free shit offered by a Saturday paper goes to…

Shorn of the commuters who usually drive up sales, newspapers have to work extra hard to pester work-weary punters to part with an extra few pennies to grab the Saturday edition (with 7-day TV guide!) - so rather than taking the difficult option and running with a cracking front page full of exciting news, they all decide that the best way to get someone to read something is not to provide something worth reading, but instead to offer some shit for free*.

Up to 70% of the Saturday paper's front page can be taken up with a giant offer for some shit or other or something or nothing that will (or won't) convince you to pluck the paper from the newsstand. Sure, you'll have to send off, then 28 days later some broken load of crap will turn up in a battered cardboard box, probably left on the fucking wheelie bin by that bastard postie who leaves letters sticking out of the front door to invite burglars. You know the one I mean.

Tempted? Oh yes my friends, you will be. I know it's going to have to be a really belting offer to beat the genius of a FREE BAGUETTE offered by the Expressdependent, which even cracks open the red pot of ink again on a Saturday to decorate its masthead with a scarlet hue in a vain attempt to give itself a fighting chance against the more traditional red-tops. Psst! Says the new-look Indy, we're not quality or any of that shit or something or nothing. We're just another paper like the rest of them, but with a slightly different look. And a free baguette! I wonder how many millions of Expressdependents got sold on the back of the baguette bargain? Five? Ten?

Anyway, here are today's offers.

Guardian: Free guide for kids on how to cook. So Jocasta and Byron can attempt to rustle up a pain rustique stuffed with quail and polenta, presumably.

Star (about whom more later): A free Wispa chocolate bar. Wowee! A fucking bar of chocolate. Hmm, hang on. I could spend the money I was going to spend on the Star on the Wispa instead, then I'd have a Wispa but without the fucking crock of shit newspaper to go with it. That seems like a better plan. And besides, I can just read the wrapper if I get bored - probably more in-depth news coverage there.

Hate: A free Jude Law DVD - PLUS! - Five free Christmas roses for every reader. If you like, you can stick the roses in the DVD player, as they'll be more fucking entertaining than watching that slimy little turd swanning round the screen. Stick the DVD in a pile of manure in the back garden instead. A much better way of doing things.

Telegraph: Not a great deal to speak of, except a free supplement of Matt cartoons. I'll save you the bother: everyone's got overbite and there aren't any jokes.

Times: Again, a worrying trend towards news in the 'quality' papers without so much of a sniff of any free shit. V disappointing. See me.

Express: Now this is the fucking daddy. I love it. In a bid to outdo the Mail's spectacular offers, they've come up with a spectacular double whammy of their own: a free box of Ferrero Rocher for every reader - PLUS! - a free main course at a gastro pub for every reader. Whoo-hoo! Top that, Mail! Pick that one out! What a fucking offer! Oh, except that you have to redeem the Rocher at Budgen or Londis, which is a bit fucking unlucky for you if there isn't one near you. And it's only a box of four of the little foil-covered Nutella-cored jokers: how the fuck are you supposed to make a pyramid out of that? The ambassador won't be happy with that, I can tell you. You couldn't even attempt to break the world record for eating Ferrero Rochers - as that currently stands at five in a minute. Tempting, no? But then I imagine that nutella goodness would have a tendency to wedge itself to the roof of your mouth like a great nutty chocolatey slab of cement.

Sun: 2 for 1 deals on meals. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck do you think you're doing, Mr Sun? That's not how it is. We're not having '2 for 1' shit around here. It's a Saturday, therefore it has to be free shit. OK? Captain Crunch? Captain Tight Cunt Bastard, more like. Fucking give me the free shit, and stop screwing around. Must do better.

Mirror: A positively enormous front page offer for free Lego. Now this one's faintly good. It's a Lego helicopter. Looks great! But then there's the pester-power sting in the tail - 12 to collect. If you take little Jack, Antny, Naomi, Nafan, Carl and the other 55 down to Woolworths to redeem the voucher, you just know the little bleeders are going to want the other 11. Aha, cunning.

Expressdependent: I don't know how they've done it, but they've managed to top the baguette offer from midweek. Incredible, but yes. A free memory stick worth £9.99! Wow, brill! What the fuck do I want with a memory stick? Who uses that shit anyway? The only time I ever hear about memory sticks is when some twatty bureaucrat goes and leaves one on a train. There's also the promise of other free shit, but it's patently not the kind of goodies that I want. Free stuff about '50 visionaries who changed the world' - that's clearly something to do with stuff written down in a newspaper. I don't want that offered to me by my Saturday paper! I want some useless crap to make my pisspoor purchase of your shitty rag seem a little more palatable so that when my other half complains that 'the telly guide isn't as good with this one I can say, "Aha! But look! Look at the hunter-gatherer! I have returned from the shop with some additional bollocks at no extra cost, and a newspaper as well! Alchemy, no?"

* I know there's a grammatical school of thought, generally with a wizened old battleaxe as its headmistress, that says you can't offer anything 'for free'. But fuck you, as language changes all the time, and that phrase has been around for fucking decades now. No use you trying to live back in the 1940s - look what that's done to Paul Dacre. If I say 'for free' you know what I mean. Likewise if I want to fucking well split an infinitive, I will. All right?

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