There was a time when I used to make fun of the Express on a regular basis for having the most rubbish front pages in the world. Don't get me wrong - they're still as laughably shite as ever, viz today's pisspoor Beanoesque effort:
Seeing as the Express has been wittering on for months about how things, including bread and butter (illustrated with a handy snap of a plate of toast), have been rocketing up in price, it's a bit odd to say the least that on the day inflation figures break through the five per cent barrier they turn into the voice of calmness and reason, telling their panic-crazed readers not to panic - everything's going to be all right, and prices will come down.
Sure, it's a crap front page: a dull headline, a big picture shoved into the bottom right-hand corner, some dithering shite about a bollocks reader offer in childishly bright colours... Just what you'd expect from the team of vaguely sentient creatures who gather together to knock out the Express fronts. But... what's this over in the quality press?
A dull headline, a big picture shoved into the bottom right-hand corner, some dithering shite about a bollocks reader offer in childishly bright colours... ooh look! It's a free lunch for every reader! A free fucking lunch! Imagine that! Fuck you, Mr Guardian and Mr Telegraph, I'm eschewing your superior more highbrow news coverage, for you do not tempt me with a baguette! And thank fuck that the Indy have managed to illustrate the free lunch with a picture of someone holding a baguette, just in case you were unaware of what lunch looked like. Remind you of the plate of toast? And instead of an interesting image or graphic to illustrate the news, let's just have pictures of people's heads. A dead white woman's head down in Dead White Woman corner, much beloved of the Mail and Express, and three other disembodied heads up top. Wow! What visual excitement for Indy readers. Thank fuck for the baguette, that's all I can say.
Yes, it's happening before our very eyes, just as we've seen before. Unable or unwilling to tackle their former broadsheet soi-disant 'quality' rivals, the Indy has decided that there's one group of readers who are thick enough to be swayed by a photo of a woman with a baguette, some pisspoor reader offers and a dumbed-down load of old toss about 'Big Brother': Express readers.
You don't believe me? Not only is this story out of date, but it's exactly the fucking same story as a certain other publication mentioned last week. The paper in question?
Of course it was!