Lovejoy: All right mate, well, er, Didier's injured, innee, so we're gonna have to put Anelka on up front this weekend, won't we?
Christ: Er. Who's this 'we' that you speak of?
Lovejoy: You know, Chelsea, innit, my team, Chelsea, I support Chelsea, that's us. We're not gonna find it easy in the Champions League this season but I reckon we can do it, Felipe, he's a good manager, he's got a pedigree, world-class mate.
Christ: I'm terribly sorry, but I had the impression you were going to interview me. Perhaps about being the son of God, redeemer of mankind? I don't really know much about this thing you call football.
Lovejoy: Big blow though, Jesus, big blow, not having Didier there. Give it out to Bridge, bit of width, try and get the early ball in, innit? I reckon that's what we need to do.
Christ: I see.
Lovejoy: Now it says here you're the son of God, personification of the living God in human form, died for all our sins. Would you go 4-3-1-2 in Europe? You reckon Felipe should look to bring some bodies in in the January transfer window? Need a bit more creativity in midfield?
Christ: I, er, I don't really...
Lovejoy: Course we've not yet seen the best of Lamps this season, he'll be banging em in soon enough won't he? I was watching Match of the Day the other day and then I watched some other sport on telly as well on Sky, cos there was some other stuff I wanted to watch on there and that. I was meant to be researching to interview you, Jesus, mate, but then there was some golf on Sky Sports 7 and so I went and watched that as well. Know what I mean?
Christ: I, er, was expecting a theological discussion of some kind, but...
Lovejoy: And then I went and I watched some more football on Sky and I saw some other stuff as well. I reckon we're gonna take the title this year though.
Christ: But who is this 'we'? You don't play for Chelsea.
Lovejoy: Well we've just got to start getting the goals, really. Turned over Man City though, looking good away from home, best home record in the Prem...
Christ: Right, that's it. You're wasting my time. I've got lepers to cure and everything.
Lovejoy: But we haven't even talked about Chelsea yet.
Christ: Fuck off. I'm going to give you cancer of the knob.