Ooh, don't they? Mind you, this one appears to have some genuine nugget of something or other which isn't complete dried-out dogturd behind it, so that's a bit of a 'kerching' for the Mail newsdesk. I imagine the scene went:
"Someone's banned Christmas."
"Well not really, they're not banning Christmas, but they have mentioned diversity and not offending other faiths, and being nice to people who aren't Christians and some shit like that, and they're not calling the Christmas holiday Christmas."
"They've banned Christmas then. Ring Littlejohn! Tell 'Gary' to draw a hilarious cartoon about the Diversity Holiday! Let's go for it!"
In my opinion, Yorkshire Coast College is embarking on a skilful and intelligent campaign as part of its media studies course to see just how many numbskull journalists they can enrage into writing mouth-foaming stories about the decision to 'ban' Christmas. I'd love to think that's the case, and fingers crossed that it is. If it is, they've roped in the Mail, hook line and bloody sinker. Not that that's entirely difficult to do, I grant you.
Mind you, let me make this clear: I wouldn't give a shit if they were genuinely not calling Christmas Christmas or Easter Easter either; I couldn't give a fucking flying one what you call a holiday. Do people start welling up with tears if you don't call Harvest Festival Harvest Festival? I don't fucking think so. Who gives a shit? Anyone? Really? I bet most Christians couldn't care less anyway, seeing as that religion is meant to be about tolerance, stoicism and forgiveness - qualities which we won't see in the Mail commenters who complain so bitterly about their 'Christian country' being savaged by the diversity-seeking bastards of PC-gone-mad You-couldn't-fucking-make-it-up Leftie Broken Bastard Britain, but ah, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I?
Look. Christmas is Christmas. Magic. Kids get a couple of weeks off. Generally it starts before Christmas and ends after Christmas. So what is it, a 12 Days of Christmas holiday? An Epiphany holiday? A longest day till kind of January 5th or maybe 6th or something around then, not sure, it kind of depends when the Saturday comes in the middle of it all really holiday? So it isn't just a Christmas holiday anyway, no matter how much fundamentalist loons who sit in corners gibbering all day or commenting on Daily Mail stories might want it to be: it's a Christmas and New Year holiday, at the very bloody least. I couldn't care less if someone wants to call it a Green Flag and a Minaret holiday; it's still bloody nothing to do with religion - it's about letting the kids have some cunting time away from school. If religion were really the defining criterion for holidays, why such a big break during the summer - for Septuagesima or one of those poxy pointless dates in the Christian calendar? No, of course bloody not: it's because of bringing in the harvest, that ancient and rather unreligious tradition that is more to do with staying alive than worshipping the sky-man. You also get time off for May Day to celebrate workers' rights, salute a few tanks and, if you fancy, dance around a May Pole before burning a few Mail readers to death in a wicker man. They're just bloody holidays. Who gives a shit? Who's really offended by any of this? Anyone?
Aha, Vowl, you say, well if no-one's offended, then why are people renaming Christmas in order not to offend people? To which I say: Probably to try and be secular - a word that sends rivulets of sweat tumbling down the average reactionary forehead; probably to try and be inclusive of people who won't be celebrating Christmas, like every other bloody religion in the entire world, and those people of no religion either, or even certain Christians who don't celebrate Christmas (Jehovah's Witnesses). Look, I'm not saying that's perfect either, but it's still Christmas though, isn't it? Christmas is still there. So are other festivals celebrated by other faiths. It doesn't mean anything if a school or college decides to call something something different. It's their call. Must the state - usually derided as an interfering bastard who tells us what to do - enforce religious titles onto schools and colleges to decide what they call holidays? Really? And what of faith schools - what do they do? Must they comply with the Christian doctrine, even if they aren't faith schools? Just because that wouldn't upset a few mouth-breathing pricks typing away in green ink on the Mail's website?
Well yes, apparently. I'm guessing that, were some of these readers to hop over to the Daily Quail's article on Yorkshire banning Christmas, they would believe every single word.
Here come the voices of Middle Britain, plus a few jokers who've been allowed through the filtering system. The first one is an utterly exquisite spoof, which is such a caricature of Mail comments that the Mail simply allowed it through without realising it was taking the piss:
We're in Britain for Gods sake.
- Doris, France, 15/9/2008 12:50
I love you, Doris. Superb. Classic Mail "I'm not in this country but I'll pretend I am for the purposes of slagging off this story" - like a certain Florida-based columnist we could mention.
- Keith Burley, London, UK, 15/9/2008 12:51
Just remember every time that you don't get a comment allowed through onto the Mail's website that all you really need to do is just say one word. And then that's fine. I might try 'Hatstand' myself just for a surreal touch.
Well we wouldnt want to offend any ethnic students would we. Lets just offend everyone else instead.
- Alf, Northampton, England, 15/9/2008 12:59
I love the seething menace in that word 'ethnic'. Beautiful. Why does it offend you that a school isn't calling the winter holiday Christmas? Seriously though, why the offence? It's something I've never understood. Must schools only unwaveringly stick to the majority religion of the nation? Is that really what we want in 2008? Well er yes, if you ask these folk.
Well, that's one college you should avoid sending your kids to. They will miss our tuition fees that's for sure.
- Chris, Yorkshire, 15/9/2008 13:00
I bet they fucking well won't. You're exactly the sort of bastards who harangue teachers for 20 hours solid at parents' evenings.
Its almost the end of Britain as we knew it, last one out please turn off the lights.
- Sammi, Almeria.Spain, 15/9/2008 13:00
...writing from, let me see, Spain.
This seriously offends me!!!
- Jane, CHESTER, 15/9/2008 13:01
Come on Jane, we'll get through this together. I can lend you a shoulder to cry on; you can tell me all about it. And then, a few hours later, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.
I'm an atheist so it suits me fine not to have this god-bothering (deliberate lower case g there) claptrap foisted on me. Happy holidays!
- Ian, Loughborough, UK, 15/9/2008 13:03
Ha ha! You tell em, Ian. Although I imagine that was allowed through purely in the interests of riling the Mailites even more than they'd already been riled.
What's next ?!?! Banning Christmas decorations in the streets ?? Or banning people from displaying christmas decorations in their yards for fear of offending their neighbours !!
- Lillie, Dublin, Ireland, 15/9/2008 13:12
Yes, I imagine that is the next step from not calling a Christmas holiday a Christmas holiday. I imagine that's the very next thing they'll do.
A lot of holidays coincide at the same time, so why not adapt the terminology "winter and spring" holidays? That way everyone is happy, since there's no school, and you can celebrate whatever holiday and call it whatever you want at home.
- NJA, London, UK, 15/9/2008 13:14
Blimey. How the fuck did that get through?
I hate what this Country has become through having a Labour Government for 11 years.
We are a Christian country.
- pam, UK, 15/9/2008 13:17
Does that mean we all have to be Christians, Pam?
I bet the ethnic minorities don't mind. People like to come to Britain .. any other country in fact.. and enjoy the different nature of that country.
- Tina Jones, Dusseldorf, Germany, 15/9/2008 13:19
Ah a welcome return for an old friend of ours, it's Tina from Dusseldorf. Making as much sense as she usually does, ie none fucking whatsoever.
If you go from somewhere like the Huddersfield area of West Yorkshire to Scarborough, the first thing you will notice is the lack of ethic minority people in that town.
There are not many there to offend.
- General Ludd., Huddersfield, Yorkshire., 15/9/2008 13:25
So fuck em, basically.
Terminate the colleges funding untill it retracts its decision. I bet they would back down then.
- Tim, South, 15/9/2008 13:28
Yes, that's the best thing to do. Wasn't it Jesus himself who said "Anyone who disagrees with you, just be a total cunt to them and force them to do what you want"? Or... maybe not?
We are a christian country!
- Sophie, London, 15/9/2008 13:35
Yes. We've kind of had that point already, Sophie. But thanks for joining in.
If i lived in another country with a national religion different to Christianity; i would NOT be offended if they refered to their holy festivals!
Seriously, WHO would get offended by this??
- Lucy, UK, 15/9/2008 13:37
But then who would get offended by secular titles for holidays? No-one's banning Xmas, except in your brain. And Christianity isn't a 'national religion', it's a tradition in Britain, and that's fine, and no-one wants to take that away; but it doesn't mean we all have to be Christians. Does it?
As it is clear that these people think that Christmas is offensive, perhaps those who don't believe in 'Christ'mas as a religeous festival should work Christmas day and not have family parties and exchange presents because thats christian based as well!
- DD, Devon, UK, 15/9/2008 13:38
Er... a lot of people don't celebrate Christmas.
So how come Christmas is gorgeous in Dubai - loads of Santas' and decorations and they really go to town. Diwali and Chinese New Year are also celebrated their. Honestly, it means that everyfew weeks something is celebrated and decorated in every culture possible. Thats they way it should be. Everyone has fun and learns about other cultures without feeling left out at all. Wonderful. Why ruin it for EVERYONE? Killjoy weirdos.
- Emily Kelly, Marlow, UK, 15/9/2008 13:53
But it's not banning Christmas. See, there's the problem. You've made the mistake of thinking that Christmas has been banned; it's just that the holiday at the end of the year, at Christmas time, is not being called Christmas. That's all. I imagine there'll be bits and bobs in the classrooms for all festivals to try and be inclusive. Is that so wrong? Well obviously it is, isn't it. Sorry, wrong person. Why am I bothering?
I'm white and English and I'm offended they've changed it. Stupid decision! Change it back!!
- lyn, Taunton, UK, 15/9/2008 13:59
Sorry Lyn, didn't realise that you were the barometer for one college's policies in Yorkshire. Did you hear that? Yes, change everything, Lyn's upset, and she's white, for fuck's sake! Change everything, Lyn doesn't like it! Plan B! Lyn's plan.
The students are attending school in BRITAIN.
Therefore they know that we have Christmas and Easter Holidays. PC has gone too far.
- Tina, Wales, 15/9/2008 14:00
I'm sorry. Could you point out where in the Bible it says that schools should break up at certain (most likely historically inaccurate, if accuracy is possible at all) times of the year to celebrate Jesus's birth and death? Could you show me that bit?
My view is if you don't like our culture and traditions and are easily offended then go back to the country you originated from.
Makes me sick!
- Mark, Gravesend, Kent, 15/9/2008 14:03
See, that's the kind of stoicism and doing unto others that Jesus was so fond of. That's the real spirit of Christianity, right there. Forget the bits about what Jesus actually preached; just defend the faith in a really nasty, spiteful way that's hateful towards others. It's what he would have wanted, I'm sure.
Seriously what is going on here? I celebrate Christmas and I am deeply offended the mention of it has been banned. What a disgrace. How many other cultures and religions ban their ceremonies for fear of upsetting us?
- JP, London, UK, 15/9/2008 14:06
Er, nothing's been banned. Do you see how Mailites make the leap of logic between 'holiday isn't being called Christmas' and 'Christmas is banned'. It's as if one isn't enough to get them wound up, so they just prefer to believe the other.
I think this is another spoof that's slipped through the net - at least I hope it is:
I'm an atheist but it's still Christmas and Easter to me and always will be; if anyone is offended, tough. There are traditions as well as religious contexts applicable to both, and we're not about to give up our crackers or our Easter eggs.
- Jill Swain, Oliva, Spain, 15/9/2008 14:10
And I'll be damned if I'm giving up my Christian symbols of the Easter bunny or the little miniature Johnnie Walker in a golfball-shaped bottle!
Stand by for the thinly veiled racism though:
Hope it cuts both ways with these bigots. As for religious tolerance - I can think of one religion that doesn't tolerate ours, and they make it quite clear.
- Edd, Newcastle England, 15/9/2008 14:58
Hooray! Wouldn't be a Mail 'PC gone mad' thread without a little bit of Islam hating in there, would it? And...
Please donÂt say "offending ethnic students" it's only Muslim students that get offended.
Jews, Sikhs, Hindus, all enjoy Christmas & Easter. This gives other ethnic communities a bad name and yes this political correctness makes me sick as well.
Blame this Labour Government for kneeling to all demands of the Muslims.
- singh, Bucks, 15/9/2008 15:23
Hooray! Have you noticed how it gets more frenzied the further you go down the comments? It's as if they're trying to outdo each other in terms of outrage. Anyway, I'll leave the last word to this one brave soul swimming against the tide:
I see it's never too early to roll out the Christmas-is-banned stories, which are all nonesense. For heaven's sake, they've labelled a college calendar differently! Not really the same as BANNING Christmas and Easter is it? Now come on, concentrate on some proper news will you.
- D.Smart, Street, Somerset, 15/9/2008 15:43
You'll be lucky, pal. But I'll raise a glass of Jesus-Juice to that.
Buy my book, it’s great
- The power of publicity
- Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio…
- Children died
- The letters you never get around to sending
- Applying again
Most Commented On
- emmaspen on Children died
- emma on The letters you never get around to sending
- Iain on Applying again
- Roger on The letters you never get around to sending
- Dave Hodgkinson on The letters you never get around to sending
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
If you're struggling to read the site please use the drop down box below to increase the text size.