I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't want to mention it - honest I didn't. But you know how I love my trash TV - I can't keep away from the bloody thing, try as I might. Every year, it's the same heartsink, the same knowledge that I won't be able to look away from the annual car crash of minor celebrity for the next few weeks - 13 weeks this year. Thirteen weeks? Christ, it's seemed like 13 years. Whole glaciers have slid into the ocean. Continents have drifted apart. Species have evolved and become extinct. Galaxies have burnt away into dust. And here we are, in the final week, staring down the barrel at last - and able to see the bottom of it.
(What follows may be of no interest to those of you who would rather vomit blood than watch Big Brother)
The series began disappointingly enough. There was Steph, the blonde wannabe model-type, who you just knew was going to end up in Nuts/Zoo magazine in her pants. Out she went, and duly appeared in Nuts/Zoo magazine in her pants, and on the front page of the Daily Star for the next three months, regardless of the fact she'd been booted off the programme in the first place for being unpopular, not popular - a fact the Star couldn't quite grasp when it came to Jen. Mind you, given the almost daily appearance of Chanelle BB8's bum, I guess they're looking for a new arse to put on the front cover when she finally palls on the one-handed readers.
There was Mario, the supertanned muscleman, and Lisa, the supertanned muscleman. There was Luke, who started off quite quirky and fun, but turned into the most poisonous little turd in the history of the world, constantly sniping at everyone doing anything other than being as bitter and twisted as him and "Wabecca", whose sole talent of getting her tits out and squealing didn't fool the voters, despite a pant-wettingly gushing Davina McCall claiming - in the most abysmal interview in Western civilisation - she was a 'genius housemate'. Genius, you say? Genius? Christ, if that's genius, give me a cretinous housemate every day of the week.
Who else? Dale and Stuart clearly wandered into the wrong Channel 4 show - they really ought to have been in Shipwrecked, where ripple-torso'd nonentities can happily slur their words in nondescript northern accents to their hearts' content. Big Brother's a different matter - isn't it? Maybe not. Maybe everyone's just got lazy.
Oh, and Jen, Jen, lovely Jen, mother of badly-spelled children and at the centre of the non-existent 'love triangle' which duly delivered the mag deal she so truly craved.
Were there others? I can't really remember. Oh, that bloke who spat in Mohammed's face, that prick, and snore-bore Belinda, but that's about it.
The remainder are a bit of a curate's egg. Darnell, the hopelessly inept virgin; Kat, the woman-child in pantaloons; Mohammed, whose 'greed' seems to have been a bit overplayed; Sara, the excitable Ocker with a heart of gold; Rachel, the pleasant but slightly dim trainee teacher; and Mikey, the irascible grumpy young man.
And then there's Rex. Look, let's get this out of the way. The whole world isn't a binary one made out of 'entertaining' and 'boring' people - it's a mistake that tripped up Luke and Wabecca ages ago. It doesn't make you 'boring' if you're not constantly screaming, shouting and causing arguments - and doing that sort of stuff doesn't make you 'entertaining' either. I don't find Rex slagging off other housemates in his monotone drawl 'entertaining'. I don't find it 'entertaining' when he talks about how much money he has, how much money he earns or how daddy got him a job as an 'executive chef' when in a fair world he'd struggle to be cooking chicken nuggets in a Happy Eater. I didn't find it 'entertaining' when he was manipulative, nasty and controlling towards his pitiful girlfriend. I don't find him 'entertaining'. He isn't entertaining. He's a dull, tedious, vacuous, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, nasty, vain private-school prick who likes pissing other people off and proving what a wonderful advantage his father's money has given him. If he were to win this programme it would be a travesty. "Yeah but it's all about Rex - so much discussion about him, why is he so hated? It must be because he's so great" say the legion of fans he has on messageboards. Fuck off! People get so worked up about him because he's a gargantuan bastard of a man without charm or humanity who steamrollers everyone around him like a grade-A tosser. That's why he's not liked; it's not jealousy or anything approaching envy. It's being annoyed by someone who's annoying. It's having to sit through several more days of this utter turd on my TV screen and being irritated with myself for getting so worked up by a TV show.
So, it's my fault really and I don't really imagine it's anyone else's. It's only a TV show... but really. The man is a menace and needs to be taken down a peg or two... but I already sense it's too late. I don't think I can sit through the sick-making McCall interview about how 'brilliant' and 'entertaining' and what a 'genius' he was. Please, Britain, boot this tosser out, or I will lose faith in you.