You'll remember way back in June - oh, it seems so long ago; back then it was all Pimm's and strawberries, yet now it's pullovers and crumpets - there was a small tits and bum competition in SW19 known as Wimbledon. The Mail, among other less snotty-nosed newspapers, got itself in a lather over the tits, arses and general primary sexual characteristics of these female athletes, prompting the classic ejaculation of contempt:
TATIANA GOLOVIN (2004-?)
From Russia, to Paris and now Florida with love, she has all the attributes to be a Bond girl. Just think of her as a tennis wild card.
BUT CAN SHE PLAY? Who cares?
The dehumanisation of women tennis players continues today with this little nugget from the US Open. There happens to be a British player doing quite well, by the way. Her name is Anne Keovathong and she's the first UK player to reach the third round since 1991. But fuck that, here's some bird with big tits!
Oh I say! Tennis star wears yet ANOTHER revealing outfit at the U.S. Open
Has she got a name, this 'tennis star'? Or doesn't it matter? This reminds me of the hysterically over-egged drivel concerning the fact that Holly Willoughby exposed more than the slightest glimpse of ankle during her appearances presenting Dancing on Ice last year - a piece of information that sent the Mail's subs and journalists (well I say journalists but essentially just people who write extended photo captions about knockers in a Sun stylee but pretend it's upmarket by using the rather twee word decolletage instead) into a masturbatory frenzy. Yes sirree, the 'controversial' frock choices of Willoughby required such pinpoint analysis that "What someone wore on telly last night" became a staple on the Mail website and in the dead-tree edition too.
Something for everyone in the Mail, then - including ladies exposing their cleavage for the old gin-soaked dodderers to work their tired old veiny Percys into an ultimately disappointing climax over as they thud spunklessly against their thighs.
Anyway, let's press on:
Tennis star Bethanie Mattek has a reputation for drawing attention to herself at all the big tournaments, but not because of the number of matches she wins.
Well only because of people like you, 'Daily Mail reporter'. But please, after such a tremendous drop intro, tease us some more:
The 23-year-old is renowned for grabbing the headlines thanks to her outfits. And yesterday at the U.S. Open was no different.
She appeared wearing a very low-cut cerise dress and what could only have been a push-up bra.
*fwapfwapfwapfwap* Oh, er, hello darling, I thought you were popping into the village to get a frame for our signed picture of Anne Widdecombe. Yes, I was just reading something of vital importance in the Daily Mail when a giant centipede crawled into my trousers and I had to try and wrestle with it. Very interesting article on, er, yes, why Britain is so obsessed with sex nowadays and what a jolly bad thing it is...
What could only have been a push-up bra. I don't know why, but I imagine the Mail photo editors all look like Peter Butterworth.
Yes, like that.
Happily, the Mail provides several pictures of the ghastliness on display: two photos of Mattek serving to maximise the cleavage on display; two of her in previous outfits; and then one of her arse. I guess that's to appease the PCC - 'look yes, we did have four photos of tits, but look, we've balanced it up with a bit of arse as part of our commitment to diverse opinions and challenging, robust debate'.
Oh and two more photos of her in the pink dress, just in case you hadn't quite grasped what it looked like from the first two photos, or had scrolled past them in your one-handed fury...
Ah and some much-needed colour to provide vital news information:
She added: 'I had a great couple months so far and I'm excited for this U.S. Open series - I really don't have that many points to defend from last year.' Yesterday the U.S. No.44 struggled to beat Marta Domachowska from Poland, eventually winning her first round match at Flushing Meadows 6-7(7) 7-5 6-4.
Exciting stuff. Just the one comment up so far:
Every sport seems to have its knockers....
- Admad, crawley down, west sussex, 27/8/2008 14:44