A short alphabetical guide for anyone thinking of posting a comment on the Mail/BBC Have Your Say messageboards. I'll put more up when I think of it.
ALCOHOL - benign, harmless substance when consumed by anyone over 45 which is also toxic and dangerous drug when administered to YOUNG PEOPLE or FERAL YOUTH. Should be taxed when drunk by YOUNG PEOPLE but not by others, who are of course responsible and never do anything wrong.
AND GUESS WHO'S PAYING?!??!! - usefull catch-all phrase to describe anything in which the government/state is involved. Should be used at the end of any post as punctuation or a final flourish to a well-argued and wittily brilliant excoriation of NULAB's injustices and crimes.
ARRESTED - means someone did it.
ASYLUM SEEKER - Nasty economic migrant who fools PC BRIGADE with sob story about beatings, torture, family raped and murdered etc in order to be PARASITE and live life on benefits. And guess who's paying?!?!?!
BBC, THE - Pinko commie bastard scumbags who love liberals and want our children to be gay. Bonus points for saying "I BET YOU WON'T PUBLISH THIS, COMMUNIST BBC!" whenever you submit anything to the HYS messageboard.
BINGE BRITAIN - the sudden liking for alcohol which has happened since 1997. No-one underage ever drank anything before then, but now all of a sudden everyone is drinking, from the age of four upwards, then having a fight afterwards. Anticipated by Hogarth in his famous "Gin Lane under NuLab".
BIRCH, THE - magical item which restores civic pride and makes all children into better people, simply by thrashing them with it.
BLAIR, CHERIE - bonus points for criticising haircut/size of mouth.
BLAIR, TONY - once-admired leader who embraced PC BRIGADE and LIBERAL FASCISM. Bonus points for use of 'Bliar'.
BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY - much-admired intelligent band of decent men and women who would be the best thing to happen to our country. I KNOW WHERE I'M VOTING NEXT TIME AND IT'S NOT FOR JOCK MCBOTTLER, HE'S SOLD OUR COUNTRY DOWN THE RIVER!
BROKEN BRITAIN - propensity towards violence and lawlessness never seen in country until Tony Blair was elected. Don't believe the CRIME STATISTICS!
BROWN, GORDON - please don't use his correct name. Acceptable names are Jock McBottler, Gordie McHaggis, Tartan McBroon, Jimmy McIrnBru, etc. Must be blamed for everything in the world, eg man attacked by hedgehog in New Zealand.
BUSH, GEORGE W - wise and noble leader of the free world. He's the only one who can see the truth!
CAMERON, DAVID - the saviour of the world. Will cure cancer with a single touch. A bit left-wing for our tastes obviously, but we'll cut him some slack until he gets into power and refuses to bring back the birch.
CANNABIS - a drug that kills anyone who takes it straight away.
CLARKSON, JEREMY - wittily hilarious man-of-people who sees through PC BRIGADE and all that nonsense. Classical views on GREEN ISSUES to be agreed with include deriding any environmentalist as a 'lunatic'.
CONSERVATIVE PARTY - will solve all the nation's problems when they get into power.
CRIME STATISTICS - keep going down, but I don't believe that because some bloke in the pub told me that kids are getting let off with a caution for rape and murder nowadays, so there.
CRIMINALS - Get let off with a 'mind how you go' by hopeless POLICE despite murder, rape and terrorism. Prison population rising due to some other factor than more people being convicted/put in jail, obviously.
CYCLIST - dirty, evil road user who dares to get in the way of cars. A good thing to say about these appalling folk is: "And what about CYCLISTS? All they do is JUMP RED LIGHTS and ride on the PAVEMENT! When will the police crack down on them flouting THE HIGHWAY CODE?!?!? NB cycling is derided no matter if it is a 'friendly' person doing it, e.g. DAVID CAMERON. Cf PEDESTRIAN.
DEATH PENALTY - should be brought back for all crimes that make white people feel scared at night, regardless of true nature of crime.
DEPORTATION - perfectly acceptable call to make on brown criminal, even if born in Britain. Bonus points for "Deport him and his family!"
DOLE - is what scroungers get given to feed their eight billion kids, and guess who's paying?!
ECSTASY - is a drug that kills everyone who takes it straight away.
EXPAT - is the most qualified person to speak about the evils of immigration. Bonus points for saying "They shouldn't let them in" from your computer in a gated villa complex in the Algarve.
FACEBOOK - is an incomprehensible evil that lures children into a seedy world of paedophilia, drugs and prostitution.
FATHER - much maligned 50 per cent of parenthood, deliberately targeted by NuLab and Harriet Harperson so that they will become redundant in 50 years' time. NuLab don't think we need fathers.
FERAL YOUTH - the correct term for anyone under 25.
FEMINISM - appalling stain on humanity caused by uppity women who have had the disgraceful misconception that they deserve to be paid equally and treated the same as men. Should be described as 'man-hating' with pejorative implication of butch lesbianism. Feminists want to kill off men and destroy family units.
GOLLIWOG - harmless teddy for children with no racial connotations whatsoever. Anyone who complains about them is a NULAB PC fascist with 'no sense of humour'.
GREEN ISSUES - that global warming, it's all a con, innit? I saw some programme on Channel 4 once, it's all a myth, nothing's wrong, keep driving our cars and it'll all be fine. We can't affect nature, it's all going to be fine, anything green is just a STEALTH TAX by NU LAB to kill off the TAX PAYER.
GUARDIAN READERS - wilfully ignorant yoghurt-weaving sandal-clad Islington-dwelling fools who want to strangle our babies and kill everyone, bringing a wave of MULTICULTURALISM and LIBERAL values to our ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY.
GYPSIES - criminal, malicious, caravan-dwelling field-desecrators who all have 93 dogs and 125 children (AND GUESS WHO'S PAYING?!?!?!!) and whose sole intention in life is to upset white, MIDDLE CLASS NORMAL PEOPLE by parking their vehicles on open land within 55 miles of them. SCUM, VERMIN and PARASITES.
HARPERSON, HARRIET - Hilarious alternative for Harriet Harman. Evil witch who hates men and wants to destroy the world through political correctness.
HELL IN A HANDCART - phrase that implies that immigration or liberalism will destroy the bedrock of our society and that doom can only happen in some unspecified time in the future.
IMMIGRATION - secret plot by NU LAB to kill off INDIGENOUS POPULATION by bringing in foreigners, who all smell, are criminals and often terrorists. Every single immigrant is on benefits, and TAXPAYER must foot bill.
INDIGENOUS POPULATION - code for 'white'.
ISLAM - terrorists who want to kill us. Bonus points for using 'religion of peace - I don't think so?!' ironically after a terrorist attack, whether Muslims were involved in it or not.
IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM - can be used for bullying, beating, torture, any kind of child abuse basically.
I WON'T BE ALLOWED TO SAY THIS - then say it. To give the impression that the PC BRIGADE or communist-infiltrated BBC are somehow denying free speech to the commenter.
JUDGES - Sopping-wet pinko fools who let everyone off crimes and don't give anyone life in prison for stealing a penny bun from a market stall, so are therefore a 'soft-touch' thanks to NU LAB and THE PC BRIGADE.
KILLING - understandable if it's shooting a Brazilian electrician six times in the head; understandable if you're a speeding driver killing a pedestrian; perfectly understandable if you're one of OUR BOYS shooting a brown person.
KNIFE CRIME EPIDEMIC - London-based killings and stabbings in 2008 which, despite being less prevalent than in 2007, are now more prevalent. Pay particular attention to ethnicity of offenders when black, but not when white.
LABOUR WILL TAX IT - useful phrase for any story about anything ever. E.g. rollerskating labrador dog called Simon wins competition. Why not chip in with a hilarious 'LABOUR WILL TAX IT!!!!!'
LIBERALS - scummish, nasty, vile, putrid, disgusting, hateful, fascistic, unpleasant, gay, dirty, disgraceful load of bastards who hate everyone and want everyone to suffer and be miserable, except lesbian one-armed black immigrants. Bonus points for saying "It'd be all right if I was one of them, then the LIBERALS would give me everything I want!"
LITTLEJOHN, RICHARD - hilariously funny, better-than-Proust chronicler of HELL-IN-A-HANDCART PC-GONE-MAD NU LAB bonkers YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP Britain.
LOCKED UP - what any criminal or mentally ill person should be. Bonus points for 'and throw away the key!'
MATRON - mythical Hattie Jacques figure who, when re-introduced back into hospitals, will automatically kill off MRSA and clostridium difficile (regardless of fact that matrons still exist in hospitals and their remit includes hygiene). Bonus points for use of "Bring back matron" in smug capital letters or recounting interminably shite story about how you once went into a hospital and there was wee on the toilet seat.
MENTAL ILLNESS - deluded nonsense from milksop LIBERALS who refuse to pull socks up and get on with life as IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM. Best if all people with such delusions are LOCKED UP to keep them away from NORMAL PEOPLE.
MIDDLE CLASSES - good, kind-hearted, lovely folk who are the best people in the world, especially the white ones, yet who are constantly under attack from STEALTH TAXES and THE PC BRIGADE.
MULTICULTURALISM - must be described as 'failed experiment' (cf SOCIALISM) and be portrayed as reason for all problems everywhere, particularly at times when non-whites have committed crimes.
MUSLIMS - see ISLAM. There are no Muslims other than rabid jihadist murderers - the actions of one extremist Muslim mean, naturally, that every other individual from the same faith is exactly the same as this person.
NATIONAL SERVICE - should be compulsory for everyone younger than me. Never did me any harm! Or the Krays.
NEW LABOUR - A bunch of Stalinist scum who are deliberately killing our children. Please use the correct term 'NuLab'.
NORMAL PEOPLE - anyone with rabidly right-wing views, cf THE SILENT MAJORITY.
NU LAB - is the correct term for 'New Labour'. Can be used as in phrases such as 'Welcome to NuLab Britain, great here isn't it? Thanks a lot Gordie McSporranbotherer!'
OBAMA - Use 'Osama', or if preferred, 'Hussein', to emphasise darkness of skin and therefore evil Islamist tendencies.
ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY - Britain. Used to imply that starving Indians to death and raping other countries was actually the thing we should be proudest of as a nation.
OUR BOYS - correct term for armed forces.
PARASITE - anyone who claims benefits, or any immigrant even if they claim no benefits at all.
PC BRIGADE, THE - Mysterious A-teamesque band of malfaisants who deliberately try to upset white, middle-class heterosexual men by making everyone else have better opportunities as them. Ignore the murderous savages of Islam by their well-intentioned but ultimately evil 'multiculturalism'. Allow murdering chldren to stay in luxury 5-star leisure camps at taxpayer's expense rather than torturing them in barrels of brine, as would be right and proper.
PC GONE MAD - anything which is slightly sensitive towards other people's cultural traditions or values. Anyone who ever tries to think about other people's feelings is PC GONE MAD and therefore a LIBERAL idiot. See also MULTICULTURALISM.
PEDESTRIAN - foul-smelling creatures who get in the way of cars. Cf CYCLIST
PHILLIPS, MELANIE - world's greatest intellect, a towering lone voice fighting against the terror of MUSLIMS, ISLAM and left-wing idiot GEORGE W BUSH.
POLES - swan-eating miscreants who undercut our Traditional British Plumbers and bring over families of ten trillion children to scrounge off our benefits system... and guess who's paying?!?!
POLICE - either harmless Heartbeat-style 1960s bobbies on bicycles or dirty scum who give you speeding tickets instead of catching 'real criminals', depending on what you're commenting on.
POWELL, ENOCH - visionary titan of brilliance who 'saw it all coming' and first realised the dangers of MULTICULTURALISM's failed experiment as well as the hell of SOCIALISM.
PUBLIC SECTOR - parasitic drain on already overburdened Great British TAXPAYER who, disgracefully, have half-decent pensions (must be described as "gold-plated"). All council workers must be called "diversity officers" who are poisoning our babies with PC GONE MAD views about MULTICULTURALISM and only offering jobs to one-armed black lesbians.
QUEEN, THE - Her Majesty. Wonderful ruler of Empire. Has regrettably produced rubbish children who will wreck our glittering monarchy.
RANDOM QUOTE FROM SOMEONE WHO SOUNDS AUTHORITATIVE - Try 'But wasn't it Marx himself who said that workers should be boiled alive in tramp sick?' or 'But wasn't it Plato who said that immigration was the worst thing ever?'
REAGAN, RONALD - Benevolent, delightful 'Old Dutch', charming and witty, intellectual giant who spread joy and happiness throughout the world.
RICH, THE - much misunderstood, wonderful wealth generators who are responsible entirely for economic success, but never responsible for economic problems. Kind, gentle, philanthropic people who don't deserve to be taxed at all.
SAVAGES - useful term for anyone living in non-white country or 'Black Africa', who have lived terrible lives since colonial times without white masters to look after them. Important to declare that "We won't bail you out any more!"
SCUM - anyone who isn't a white, middle-class English Anglo-Saxon taxpayer. And quite a few who are. Cf VERMIN.
SILENT MAJORITY - millions and millions of people who all agree with rabidly right-wing views but don't ever have the courage to express them for fear of upsetting the PC BRIGADE and LIBERALS.
SINGLE MOTHER - PARASITE who has embraced horror of FEMINISM and foolishly decided to live life without man - AND GUESS WHO'S PAYING?!??! Produce FERAL YOUTH who go around committing all crime, unlike nice middle-class children who live in semi-detached houses in Surrey, whose only reason for not committing crime is presence of FATHER.
SMOKING - harmless pastime enjoyed by dignified people who are constantly under attack from PC do-gooders.
SOCIALISM - despicable 'failed experiment' (cf MULTICULTURALISM) which makes everyone miserable. The politics of NULAB, regardless of tax breaks for the rich, tax increases for the poor, etc.
STEALTH TAX - any fine for anything ever, eg speeding ticket, bin being too full. Easily avoided by anyone other than the wilfully stupid, yet still supposedly aimed at MIDDLE CLASSES rather than anyone else, reason never explained.
TAXPAYER - should be prefixed with 'already overburdened'. Mythical chap who pays for immigration, young people, single mums etc and is always on the verge of 'getting fed up about it'.
THATCHER, MARGARET - Kind, gentle, loving old grandmother who was 'the best thing to ever happen to this country'. Smashed evil UNIONS in pay of Colonel Gaddafi and fought off Marxist cell aka Labour Party led by Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock. Supported lovely, decent humanitarian leaders such as PW Botha and Augustin Pinochet as part of her mission to restore pride to this ONCE GREAT COUNTRY. Bonus points for arguing that, because Trotskyite TONY BLAIR embraced privatisation and Thatcherite policies, the 'argument is over' and 'there is no debate'.
UNIONS - appalling 1970s rapists of industry who brought the country to its knees and whose sole purpose in life is to wreck Great Britain. Bonus points for 'Striking won't do you any good, you've got gold plated pensions?! What about me, I don't have a union, I just get on with my job and I love my 0.1 per cent pay rise?!'
VERMIN - handy catch-all phrase which doesn't quite count as downright abuse, so can easily be used to describe gypsies, immigrants or anyone you might disagree with. Cf SCUM.
VIOLENCE - unpleasantness committed by YOUNG PEOPLE and FERAL YOUTH thanks to BINGE BRITAIN. Perfectly acceptable when committed by OUR BOYS in Afghanistan/Iraq.
WINTER - it gets cold, yet this can be seen of evidence that climate change isn't happening. Try using "It's snowing outside my window, ARE YOU WATCHING MR GORE?!!?!"
X-RATED - things that only adults over 75 should be allowed to see, eg a glimpse of a lady's ankle.
YOBS - see FERAL YOUTH. Alternatively use "scrotes" for anyone under 25 who happens to be standing outside a shop.
YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP - catch-all Littlejohnian phrase for things which are, as it turns out, frequently actually made up.
YOUNG PEOPLE - See FERAL YOUTH. Are responsible for all crime everywhere ever. Listen to evil music that makes them mad and kill grannies. Should have been disciplined more properly with THE BIRCH and then they wouldn't have turned out this way. But sadly THE PC BRIGADE is in charge of our education and let them off everything.
ZERO TOLERANCE - would solve everything. All children found on streets killed would mean no more yobs bothering our grannies. Being flayed alive for theft would stop all thefts instantly. But will this Government do anything? No they won't!