See, I've put it in quote marks, so that makes it OK, doesn't it? You can tell that I don't actually mean they're paedophiles and rapists by the fact it's in quotes, can't you? No...? Well, surely you can. Quote marks mean that whatever's inside them isn't true - in fact, quote marks make what's inside them the opposite of true. You didn't learn that bit in school English lessons...? No...? Well, look for yourself!
There you go! It's obvious isn't it. When a man is cleared of being a killer, you can call him a 'killer', but that clearly doesn't mean he's a killer, doesn't it? I mean, who doesn't understand that? Clearly, the finest legal minds the Express can muster have been set on the task, and asked that ever-important question: "Can we get away with this shit?" and answered in the affirmative, as is no doubt right and proper.
The web headline goes for something a little milder than you saw screaming at you from the news-stands yesterday:
£1M PAYOUT FOR MAN CLEARED OF KILLING JILL DANDO
Bit clumsy, that. Why not stick with the more simple and elegant £1M PAYOUT FOR DANDO 'KILLER'? I mean, there was nothing wrong, inaccurate or misleading about that, was there?
BARRY George is set for a £1million payout after he was sensationally cleared yesterday of murdering TV presenter Jill Dando.
You'll notice when I do the Mail version later that they say it's more along the lines of £500k, but what's half a million quid between friends? I mean, half a mill is peanuts really, the sort of money you can afford to give away for libelling people over the Madeleine McCann disappearance - a mere trifle.
The 48-year-old convicted sex offender spent eight years behind bars and is likely to receive at least £500,000 compensation, plus a similar amount from a media bidding war for his story.
A media bidding war that the Express will stay out of, I'm sure! But tell me, what's the relevance of the 'convicted sex offender' label on George, seeing as that conviction is spent - doesn't that go against PCC guidelines? Sorry, don't know what I was doing there - it was almost as if I thought the Express actually gave a fucking shit about any of that!
Seeing as the Express think it's fair to mention George's previous convictions, I think from now on everyone should refer to the Express as 'the Express, which paid thousands of pounds to Kate and Gerry McCann and Robert Murat for totally untrue stories...' every time they pretend to be a half-decent paper. Well, it's only fair, isn't it?
After a tip-off, Mr George’s home, near Jill’s, was searched and officers found thousands of photos he had taken of unsuspecting women. There were shots of female TV presenters – including Anthea Turner.
Bloody hell, because Anthea Turner IS Jill Dando! How scary is that?! How the bloody hell didn't George get banged up a second time with such comprehensively brilliant evidence to put him away?
The irony of course is that George's obsession with celebrities is nothing compared to that of the tabloid press, who pay stalkers to follow around stars and take long-lens photos of them when they're in private. Yet these very same newspapers think George is a 'weirdo' for doing exactly what they fucking well do every day and make millions of pounds from doing.
As for the Express, it's a vile and dirty attempt at a newspaper. And anyone who works there clearly has no shame with this kind of appalling drivel being slapped on its pages. What a disgusting, evil little rag.