Remember back in March when the Telegraph claimed it was the middle class(es) who were really worst hit by the Budget? Well they're back with some more pathetic attempts to scratch out the eyes of the Mail and Express, going for the jugular by targeting middle-class readers in much the same way as, we're led to believe, New Labour do.
Robert Winnett, who wrote that bucket of shit masquerading as political analysis last time out, is back again, but, given that the political editor of a national newspaper couldn't possibly write an entire article by himself, is joined by Harry Wallop and Edmund Conway.
So what do these three wise monkeys come up with?
Middle class households are suffering a sharp decline in living standards, with the cost of annual bills increasing at twice the official rate of inflation, analysis for The Daily Telegraph discloses.
Bloody hell, it reads like it was written by a committee doesn't it? What a clumsy attempt at an intro.
Millions of families are seeing their cost of living rise by 6.7 per cent this year – more than double the headline inflation rate of 3.3 per cent, a study by Capital Economics has found.
Yes - because, as any fule no, inflation figures are shite and don't reflect the real picture. If you take out the high-price goods in the CPI 'shopping basket', inflation is rocketing upwards - affecting the poorest the worst. Or, if you're the Telegraph, let's forget the poorest and concentrate on people who pay for private school fees. The 'middle class', apparently.
At the same time, households are facing below-inflation pay rises, leading to a fall in disposable income.
I wonder what the Telegraph will offer its staff this year? I do hope that Winnett, Conway and Wallop get rises well above inflation.
The cost of living is increasing faster for middle class families because they spend more on fresh food, energy bills, fuel and education – for which prices are rising rapidly.
Well yes they spend more because they use more. But proportionally, are they really worse off than the poorest? Or doesn't the Telegraph give a fuck? Remember their (lazy borrowing of Taxpayers Alliance) figures on 'run of the mill' 'family cars' worth 19 grand? Of course there could be an alternative explanation - the kind of private-school pricks who write for this newspaper really do think that £19k is a small amount to pay for a car - let them eat cake, if you like.
See if you can spot the giveaway here.
Jonathan Loynes, the chief European economist at Capital Economics, said: "Middle class families tend to drive more, eat more and send their children to private school and university. All of these costs have increased substantially."
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?? Middle class families tend to send their children to private school? That's middle class is it? And eat more - well, like duh, because they can afford more food. Because they're better off than poor people. Who can't afford as much food. Is there something extremely complex about this that I'm missing out on? This smacks of social Veblenism to me - Telegraph readers, even if they can't afford to send Damien and Jocasta to Marlborough, would like to think they're the kind of people who should be able to afford it.
Private school fees have also consistently outstripped overall inflation. Halifax Financial Services says fees for boarders at private schools have increased by 86 per cent on average since 1997, almost three times the 31 per cent increase in the cost of living.
Aww, well blub, blub, blub. Why not fucking look after your children rather than carting them off to somewhere that will psychologically damage them and turn them into an evil self-absorbed arrogant ultra-competitive cunt? Save yourself some cash by not excluding them from society at large and making them think they're better than everyone else.
It now costs £20,970 a year to board, on average.
Yes, yes - I feel your pain. I'm sure most 'middle class' families can afford that every year, can't they.
So there you have it. Rising prices make food expensive, starve the developing world and make the poor suffer most. And the Telegraph cries its eyes out because maybe some extremely rich folk might find it slightly tougher to ruin their children's lives by carting them off to the selfishness factory.
Nice to get a sense of proportion, isn't it.
Tomorrow: How the brutality in Zimbabwe is making some very rich people a bit less well off than they were.