When women say they are happy to be single, they are LYING. It's as simple as that. They are only happy when there's a man around to look after them. And when women say they want a kind, considerate, intelligent partner, they are LYING. They really want a brainless cunt.
Not my words, as you will no doubt have guessed, but the words of Femail - part of the Mail designed to be read by women. But what kind of women? Let's see if we can spot the clues.
Here's last week's article, via Rhetorically Speaking, describes the 'return of the real man':
[Y]our mind is focused on the important things in life: sex, beer, football. Women secretly envy a mind like that.
You do not cook anything more sophisticated than Pot Noodles or baked beans. Cooking is her job. But when you have a Sunday roast - and you do, obviously - you carve with manly precision and flair.
Women like to talk, bless them. So don't try to stop her getting her feelings off her chest, however daft they might be. There's no need to actually listen, however.
Guffaw. This week, why any woman who isn't with a man is lying to herself if she thinks she's happy:
A friend of mine, Janice, said that for her, being single was like champagne without the fizz. She and 99 per cent of single women miss that special ingredient that women in relationships have... They know it, and I know it, but they're too embarrassed to admit it: that's why they end up as single, lying females trying to protect some semblance of their dignity.
with the headline
FORGET THIS TOSH ABOUT 'FREEMALES' - SINGLE WOMEN WHO SAY THEY ARE HAPPY ARE LYING
Yes, because heaven forbid a lady might be without a gentleman! Oh, the shame! The lack of dignity!
Seriously, is this 1933 or something? What the fuck? So some 'agony aunt and life coach' who calls herself a doctor thinks that, because she reckons something, that 99 per cent of women must be a certain way. And if they don't come to exactly the same puritannical conclusions as her, then they're LYING. Simple as that. As we learned last week, 'real' men are back - not compassionate, empathy-filled men - but total wankers, beer-swilling, Loaded-reading twats who think the WKD adverts are a documentary series. And of course women who don't want to snap up one of these unreconstructed skullfuckers should be ashamed of themselves, clearly.
So, what kind of woman enjoys Femail? What kind of messages are these - reassuring women in loveless, unhappy relationships with boorish wankers that in fact they're far better off than their single counterparts? Is that a comfort to readers - really?
It's still a mystery to me why any woman would (a) read this tosh in the first place and (b) having read it, go back for more. But then I guess I'm not the target demographic.