I'll start with the BBC's take on this load of old churn about chocolate maybe possibly perhaps being of some benefit except we haven't tested anything yet, it's just a hypothesis.
Chocolate 'may cut diabetes risk'
Really? That's like me setting up a study to see if drinking lots of beer makes me a better person, and the BBC saying 'Beer 'may make you a better person''. As I understand it, the study involves chocolate with increased levels of a certain chemical which is supposed - but not proven - to be beneficial against heart disease in women with type 2 diabetes. So not diabetes itself, as the headline would suggest, but the risk of heart disease if you have diabetes.
But yes, don't worry about that: chocolate could help cure diabetes lol rofl lmao?!?!??! Innit?
Oh and by the way:
Dr Iain Frame, director of research at charity Diabetes UK, said: "We certainly don't advise people to start eating a lot of chocolate as it is very high in sugar and fat".
Well, quite. Why use chocolate, when the scientists themselves say that soy contains these mysterious 'flavonoids' chemicals? Because no-one would write any ridiculously bollocks headlines about it, maybe? Soy is so much less sexy than chocolate, isn't it?
Anyway, compared to that wilfully banal jizz, the Hate is almost bearable. I say 'almost bearable' but I mean, of course, 'as bearable as being slowly gnawed to death by a million hungry ants'.
As any woman could tell you, chocolate can help heal a broken heart.
Oh, fuck off.
But now scientists have decided to prove it.
They are embarking on a year-long study to test chocolate's ability to stave off heart disease.
At least they've got the 'heart disease' bit right, while the BBC decided to go for diabetes in the headline.
Researchers are seeking volunteers to participate, who must be women who have gone through the menopause, with type 2 diabetes and be taking cholesterol-lowering statin drugs - and need to have a sweet tooth.
Oh, I see. But what is this study about already? Heart disease or diabetes? Or just giving some women some chocolate?
"We hope to show that adding flavonoids to their diets will provide additional protection from heart disease and give women the opportunity to take more control over reducing their risk of heart disease in the future."
Riiiiiight. Why not just give them these flavonoids then? Why chocolate? I just don't get it. But what I do know is that, even with my lack of scientific expertise, I couldn't be as bloody awful and bonkers loony whoop-whoop as the Express:
CHOCOLATE WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE
Like MIGRANTS TAKE *ALL* NEW JOBS, that old Express classic (see right), this is one of those headlines that you're actually not supposed to take seriously. Sure, it's written in capital letters on the front page of a newspaper, but pffft, I mean come off it, surely you wouldn't take that seriously, would you?
They say 'chocolate will save your life', but what they mean, of course - and who on earth could possibly not get this? - that 'some of the ingredients in the cocoa bean, which ordinarily are largely removed in the process of making chocolate, could be beneficial to post-menopausal women who are already taking certain drugs and who have type 2 diabetes. Obviously it won't save their lives but it may be of some limited benefit, although we won't know for sure until these tests are conducted and then reviewed.' That's almost *exactly the same* as 'CHOCOLATE WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE', isn't it?
For fuck's sake.