Fear not, chums: it's not more bleedin' Poles coming over and scoffing our swans; nor is it what my new friend Mick B would refer to as 'woggles' - no, these are evil testosterone-fuelled mutant squirrels!
Mutant squirrels...? What manner of...?
But yes, according to the Mail - and who are we, mere mortals, to disagree with their insight into the natural world - these nasty Russian bullies are beating the crap out of grey squirrels, who, as you'll remember from science lessons at school, have terrorised this country and nearly extinctified the red squirrel. It's a fable that my new-found BNP chums would enjoy greatly, I should imagine, given that they would claim it shows what happens when an 'indigenous population' is 'invaded'. Obviously, though, squirrels are a little less complex than human beings. Well, slightly more complex than human beings who vote for the BNP. But that's beside the point.
The Mail likes these 'evil alien animals invading us' stories. Is it too fanciful, I wonder, to consider the possibility that they might be linking 'foreign invaders' of the British fauna with their campaigning stance against 'mass immigration'? Hmm, you be the judge. What do you think of their story about evil ladybirds coming from abroad and killing our lovely little ladybirds, or this one about evil sea slugs coming over and killing our babies (OK maybe a slight exaggeration there), or this one about ladybirds again albeit two years after the previous one?
Some of the Mail commenters are priceless re the squirrels though. Some lovely silly comments in a pleasant contrast to the usual frothing rage:
Given our soppy attitude about these pests it wouldn't surprise me to learn that nature is making them more aggressive. That, after all, is how nature lets an animal exploit its niche - either lack of a predator, or unwillingness to protect our territory from them.
I'm only surprised that foxes haven't become more aggressive and demanding since the soppy goo-ga animal rights idiots have managed to outlaw their predation.
It's only a matter of time before packs of black squirrels or foxes start seeing our domestic cats and dogs as an easy food source, or heaven's forbid, our babies. Too incredible to think possible? Not at all, nature always finds a way to exploit an accessible and undefended source of food.
- Roy, Southend, UK
Ha ha! Beat that! Wonderful. I'm 99% sure he's taking the Michael, though there's always that lingering doubt, isn't there?
I blame Gordon Brown.
- Julia Striker, Herefordshire
Superb. I think there is a Mailwatch theory going around at the moment that if you write "I blame Gordon Brown" on the bottom of *any* story, it will get your comment published. This looks like evidence of that...
We should exterminate them now before they overrun the country like the greys did.
- Jo, Ipswich
Am I the only person in the world who likes grey squirrels? I mean, I like the little red ones as well, and I'm all for protecting them and keeping them lovely, and I'd hate to see them die out, but... they are cute little critters.
Anyway, there we are. A nice way to end the week, I reckon: furry animals, the Mail being faintly insane, and people getting totally bonkers comments through the moderators.