I can't access the Mail's website today. Don't worry, they haven't blocked me; they're just running an annoying overlaid advert (I like to call them 'birdshit' adverts as they crap all over the page and ruin your day) which the ancient ZX Spectrum that masquerades as my computer can't process.
So, life without the Mail for a day - or whenever they decide to get rid of the Toyota Auris advert from their website. Who knows how long that'll be?
It's like the words "Alison Pearson is on holiday" - words that guarantee the absence of spite, nastiness and evil. (If only they were the words "Alison Pearson is in Abu Ghraib" - but let's not get greedy, now.)
All of a sudden, life is starting to become more cheerful. I'm beginning to feel that a poison is being purged from my body. It's like giving up smoking, when the nicotine craving starts to ebb away and finally you start to feel free.
Oh look, a blackbird digging for worms with its bright yellow beak. A gentle puffy white cloud drifting through the early-spring sky. Hyacinths and tulips breaking through the soft, loamy soil. A gentle hum of traffic. A lazy marmalade cat curling up in a front garden. Children playing at a nearby school. I feel like walking up to strangers and shaking their hands. I want to dance down the street singing Rodgers and Hammerstein.
Yes! The Mail has finally left me! My life is returning to normal! Life without poison, fear of foreigners, abusing grieving parents, telling lies about minorities, pretending it was all so much better in the 1950s when everything was rationed, everyone was half-starving and your relatives had been blown up, snarling twits putting questions in headlines, internet tossbags writing inane and witless jokes about 'Robber McHaggis'... all of a sudden, life seems like it's really worth living.
People's faces seem to have smiles on them. Strangers suddenly seem like friends, not like people to fear or want to deport because they're from a slightly different culture. It's like when you walk out of the cinema and your eyes take time to adjust to the brightness. That's what it's like to leave the Mail behind. Leave the Mail behind! This is what life would be like without the Daily Mail - clean, cheerful, optimistic, inclusive, fun! Life without hatred. Life without scum columnists talking bollocks and getting paid a king's ransom. Life without Littlecock's hackneyed old non-jokes and tired drivel insulting minorities and pandering to racists! Life without despair! Life without anti-Muslim bullshit claiming to be news!
No more Femail articles about what Holly Willoughby wore, ooh look she wore some clothes isn't she a bitch, and ooh isn't Mrs Sarkozy looking a bit funny? Mm and I wonder whether Amy Winehouse has got bad skin? None of that shit! No more of that! No more! Ever!
Yes! Life is free! Life is good! Run naked through a cornfield! Throw a sickie and go to Alton Towers! Eat a giant Toblerone! Enjoy life! Drink it all in! Be kind to everyone! Be cheerful! Be happy! Be delighted!
Oh, happy day! Happy day! Free at last! Free at last...