Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

Neil Hamilton probably couldn’t actually write to save his life

I wrote earlier about Richard and Judy being somewhat unfairly flamed by commenters on the Express website. No such treatment for the pisspoor columnist Neil 'My bow tie has more wit than I do' Hamilton, whose unfunny twattery - for which I assume he actually gets paid real money - is probably lapped up by the Expressites.

It's a classic Littlecock-style romp. The structure goes like this:

1. Loonie lefties have done something.
2. Imagine what it would be like if everything was run by loonie lefties!
3. All sorts of hilariously incongruous things would happen!
4. Cheque please.

So...

THE PROMS SHOULD FEATURE A LEFT-HANDED TRANSSEXUAL TRIANGLE PLAYER!

Oh! Ha ha ha! Yes, I get it Neil! I see what you're doing there! Ha ha! Yes, why don't we do that? Yes, that would be rather funny, wouldn't it.

There’s a sinister, un-British ring to “Ministry of Culture”, which smacks of George Orwell’s 1984.

No there isn't. And let's get one thing straight. If there's one thing I despise it's right-wing twonks like Hamilton dragging up Orwell whenever they want to, thinking he's somehow 'on their side' because he wrote some books condemning totalitarian communism. It's miserably unintellectual for a brilliant writer like Orwell to be constantly used by small-staters to bash the idea of governments doing anything they don't like. But then, I suppose we should congratulate Hamilton for having read a book at all.

No surprise then to see current minister Margaret Hodge criti­cising the Proms as too jingoistic and “exclusive” (ie, too British, too white and too middle-class).

Do you think Neil knows where the word 'jingoistic' comes from? I'm guessing not. It doesn't have anything to do with being British, white or middle-class; it's about Imperialism and glorifying war.

Can you remember anyone else attacking the BBC (which runs the Proms) for being too right-wing?

Yes, loads of people actually. And well argued articles, using evidence and reasonable arguments. The sort of thing you'll never write, Neil.

This column has been fortunate to secure privileged access to the Minister’s inner thoughts (a bargain at a mere £500,000 to Labour funds).

Is that Neil Hamilton making a joke about paying cash to get access to someone in government? I believe it is. Maybe his balls are bigger than I thought.

But anyway, with apologies to Rory Bremner, crank-crank, joke coming, woo-woo! Here comes the comedy. Neil hasn't really got access. He's just pretending! Oh isn't it delightfully droll...

I can now exclusively reveal some important changes that will make the Proms more representative of modern Britain.

Here it comes!

Elgar’s imperialist anthem, Land Of Hope And Glory, so long associated with the Last Night Of The Proms, is outdated and will be retitled Land Of Dope And Fading Glory.

Elgar didn't write the words, just the music to Pomp and Circumstance. Did you know that, Neil? No, thought not. Still, we'll press on, shall we? One shit pun in and a shittily re-titled song (textbook Littlecock territory) and we're already on the rollercoaster of fun...

Union Flags will be banned and EU ones waved to celebrate the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty without a referendum. Expressing solidarity with the unemployed as we slide into recession, the audience will then break into a rousing chorus of Dole Britannia.

Dole Britannia. Yeah, magic stuff Neil. Keep going, nearly got to that word count! And I'm sure 'expressing solidarity with the unemployed' was top of his list when he was a Tory MP.

Organised religion rightly plays little part in our modern secular society but it would be wrong to ignore the Archbishop of Canter­bury’s important contribution to the entertainment world, of which the Proms should be an integral part. As a tribute to him, everyone will sing the hymn, Northern Rock Of Ages.

That's not even a bad joke. See the idea is that you actually put things together that are dissonant, and then... oh what's the bloody point.

It is vital that the Proms accurately reflect diversity of gender, sexual orientation, hair colour, race and disability. It is disgraceful that none of our great orchestras employs a single, one-armed violinist or left-handed transsexual triangle player.

Nice to see the Express being disabled-friendly by giving a job to someone with the inability to write, though. I'd say that's pretty much inclusive, not to mention PC gone mad. What next, a mention of 'mung beans' to complete the 'loonie left' set?

Again, while it might have been acceptable years ago for piano keyboards to have 36 black and 52 white keys, to modern eyes this symbolises white oppression. In future we must have absolute equality with 44 of each colour.

That joke came out of the Ark.

On second thoughts, this issue is more complex. Yellow and brown keys need their quotas too. The Prime Minister is expected to announce a high-level review of this important policy area very soon.

Great Neil, you've got em rolling on the floor now. Keep going!

Audiences must also become more representative of modern Britain. Currently, whole segments of society are conspicuous by their absence. Where are the hoodies, muggers, crack dealers, Muslim fundamentalists and others who add so much colour to urban life outside the Albert Hall?

See, that's a Tory view of 'diversity' and very revealing. Unless you're white or middle-class, you have to be a criminal, and if you're a Muslim, you have to be a fundamentalist. That's 'otherness'. That's why it's right that the Proms are the way they are.

It is unfair that the Proms have been held at the Albert Hall every year since 1941. Other parts of Britain must also have the oppor­tunity to share in them. In future, the venue will change annually. Next year’s concerts will be held in Stornoway, Outer Hebrides, before moving to Penzance in 2010 and Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobw­llllantysiliogogogoch in 2011.

Fuck me, this is the worst thing I've ever read. How is this supposed to be funny? Yes Neil, you know some other places in the country apart from London. Well done. Have a gold star and a pat on the head.

Finally, in support of the Government’s determination to be at the centre of Europe, we must decimalise and metricate wherever we can. Octaves are out. In future, Proms music must be rewritten to contain 10 notes in each scale.

What?

Ms Hodge sums up: “No one should doubt this Government’s desire to face the music. The Cabinet plays musical chairs all the time and we are all practised fiddlers. We don’t need a referendum to convince people of that.”

And there, we've reached the end. Well done if you made it to the end as well. Truly a terrible piece of writing, without wit, style, knowledge or any discernible qualities that would make anyone other than a particularly crap Church newsletter publish it.

Oh, or the Express, obviously.

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