And they breed like rabbits and smell and they fuck their cousins and I’m a taxpayer paying for them! I am!!!111!!!!
In fact, don't. There's never any time to relax when you've got the Mail and Express firing new volleys of anti-Muslim propaganda every day.
But, they're rather different from each other. While the Express barks and blunders its way through, like a stinky tramp clutching a bottle of White Ace and growling at pigeons, the Mail is a far more slippery customer. In my mind I see the Mail as the sort of bloke you'd know for years, get to know and have a pint with, go to football with, meet his wife, say hello to his kids, who'd suddenly turn round one day and tell you he dresses up in an SS uniform at the weekend and owns a Nazi lampshade made out of Jew's skin. A rather more subtle affair, until you peel back the layers of the onion.
You have to admire the Mail. Oh, I hate it. I think it's a vile, dirty enterprise, but I have to admire it. So much more clever than the blunderbuss of the Express; the Mail just sows little seeds, never explicitly come out with any polemic - it leaves that to its readers, the commenters who can be relied upon to thunder on about Jock McBroon, NuLabore, the Stalinist BBC etc. These characters are pretty amazing people, as many seem to have the time to post on not just the BBC's Have Your Say messageboard, or the Mail and Express stories about Muslims and immigration, but also the BNP's messageboard too. Just to spread the love around. Here are the people who say the things the Mail can't bring itself to say.
Let's have a look at this lovely little piece here, entitled
New sharia row over Chancellor's plans for 'Islamic bonds'
by Simon 'Still' Walters. Well it could be worse; could be Slack. Is James Slack on holiday? Oh god, it's half-term isn't it, don't tell me he's got children. Anyway...
A new sharia law controversy erupted last night over Government plans to issue special "Islamic bonds" to pay for Gordon Brown's public-spending programme by raising money from the Middle East.
Actually, having opened this post up by saying the Mail was more subtle than the Express, now I'm not so sure. That first sentence reminds me of:
FURY erupted last night after it emerged that a boy of 12 who trained to be a suicide bomber is being allowed to attend school in Britain.
From 'Suicide Bomber, 12, at UK school', as I documented in 'More tedious hateful bullshit from the Express'.
So many eruptions, it's almost sexual, isn't it? But like the 'fury' that supposedly 'erupted' over the 12-year-old Afghan boy, do we have evidence of a controversy 'erupting' over this supposed plan for 'Islamic bonds'? Or is it just controversy erupting inside the skull of the hack who put this together? Well, let's find out.
Britain is to become the first Western nation to issue bonds approved by Muslim clerics in line with sharia law, which bans conventional loans involving interest payments as "sinful".
Yes, how we ought to laugh at them when we're mortgaged up to the chestnuts and the bailiffs are coming round. Interest 'sinful'? Hmm, sounds promising. What's sharia banking's stance on payment protection insurance? If that's not sinful, nothing is. Anyway...
It will lead to the ownership of Government buildings and other assets currently belonging to British taxpayers being switched wholesale to wealthy Middle-Eastern businessmen and banks.
What? Hang on a minute. I shouldn't really start a sentence with 'as a British taxpayer', because the kind of people who do that are inevitably evil turds with a cruel streak for minorities, but... as a British taxpayer, I didn't know I owned government buildings. Oh, how exciting! Can I claim some rent of the Ministry of Defence offices then? No...?
So now the wogs are going to own our buildings, are they? They'll be after the bleeding swans next! Gorblimey the Queen Mum gawdblesser would never have stood for this *wipes tear away from tattooed teardrop underneath eye and salutes photo of Nick Griffin*
The Government sees sharia-compliant bonds as a way of tapping Middle-East money and building bridges with the Muslim community.
Oho, I see. So as well as hawking off UK Plc to whichever enormous corporate wealth can put its jammy little fingers in the till, Labour wouldn't mind if our friends in Dubai, Qatar or Saudi Arabia (well, what's a few beheadings between friends? There are worse things you could do in a football stadium - sit down and watch Crystal Palace, for example - but that's beside the point) who have a few quid spare, which they're not planning to spend on Tornado jets, went and bought a slice of some government bits and bobs.
Interesting. It doesn't seem that it's the selling-off of taxpayer assets that's a problem to the Mail - sorry, I mean the 'critics' who are complaining about this scheme, nothing to do with the Mail's standpoint at all - but rather, to whom they're being flogged off. Some corporate cocksucker from the States? Over you come. Even the French? Allons-y, mon brave! But a swarthy fella in a tea-towel? No, no, no! (Yes yes, I know 'fella' is an Arabic word meaning 'peasant', and therefore someone who couldn't afford to buy bargain bricks in Alistair Darling's UK Jumble Sale and Bric-a-Brac, but please don't detain me with petty details. It's nearly 1 in the morning, for goodness' sake. Some of us have got work tomorrow.)
But critics say the scheme would waste money and could undermine Britain's financial and legal systems.
Aha! 'Critics'. And these critics are...?
Senior Conservative MP Edward Leigh, chairman of the Commons Public Accounts Committee, said: "I am concerned about the signal this would send – it could be the thin end of the wedge.
"British Common Law must be supreme and should apply to everyone."
Yay! It's Rent-a-Tory!
HI! DO YOU WORK FOR A SHITTY MID-MARKET NEWSPAPER? WRITING A PIECE OF BOLLOCKS ABOUT MUSLIMS? NEED SOMEONE TO SLAG OFF JOCK MCBROON AND THE HEATHENS RUINING OUR CULTURE AND TRADITIONS? SIMPLE, JUST CALL RENT-A-TORY! WE GUARANTEE TO WHEEL OUT SOME CRUSTY OLD BERK WHO SITS ON SOME IMPORTANT-SOUNDING COMMITTEE. OUR RENT-A-TORY WILL COME OUT WITH SOME POMPOUS AND IRRITATING OLD FLANNEL FOR YOU TO PRINT WILLY-NILLY. IF YOU WANT HIM TO LINK A COUPLE OF THINGS THAT CAN'T HONESTLY BE LINKED BY USING FACTS, WE'LL HAVE A WORD. CALL US DAY OR NIGHT, WE'RE ALWAYS OPEN! CALL RENT-A-TORY, NOW!
Er, sorry about that. It's been a long weekend. So anyway, one common law should apply to everyone. Yes yes, but once again, you have fallen into the trap my friend (or have you? I wonder!) of thinking that sharia banking = sharia law = one law for 'them', one law for 'us' = they're allowed to cut people's hands off and crush women underneath walls = AND GUESS WHO'S PAYING?!?!?!?!?!!!! This proposal isn't about sharia law, it's about sharia banking. Yes, the word 'sharia' is in both, but that doesn't actually mean they're the same thing.
A spokesman for the National Secular Society said: "There are lots of different ways to arrange financing.
"Constructing financial instruments to be sharia-compliant seems to me to involve a lot of unnecessary complication, which will serve only to make a lot of lawyers very rich."
Oh I'm sorry. All I heard was: "A spokesman for the National Secular Society said SOMETHING QUITE BENIGN AND ANNOYINGLY NOT HAVING A GO AT MUSLIMS AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE HIM TO HAVE DONE. DAMN YOU, SECULAR PEOPLE. HAVE YOU NO FAITH TO MAKE YOU FOAM AT THE MOUTH AND BE RABIDLY ANGRY ABOUT WHAT THE TOWELHEADS ARE DOING?" but then that's my ears, isn't it?
The attempt to embrace Islamic financing would also appear to be at odds with Mr Brown's promise to promote Britishness and British values and institutions.
The Treasury has already faced heavy criticism for removing Britannia from 50p coins.
Other Western nations have been reluctant to issue Islamic bonds.
In the United States the bonds are banned partly as a result of claims that the money could be linked to terrorism.
*scr....oops, they've gone through the bottom of the barrel there*
But yes, jackpot: sharia finance = terrorism. Money from Islamic people = bombing white people. Impressive leap of faith there, but, well, you have to respect logic like that don't you.
The Treasury proposal follows the heated debate over the Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams's claim that the spread of elements of sharia law in parts of Britain was "inevitable".
Downing Street distanced Gordon Brown from Dr Williams's comments.
A spokesman said: "The Prime Minister is very clear that British laws must be based on British values and that religious law, while respecting other cultures, should be subservient to British criminal and civil law."
Are these nerks still trying to get some mileage out of bashing Beardy? Blimey.
However, The Mail on Sunday has established that Chancellor Alistair Darling is ready to give the go-ahead to sharia-compliant bonds – known as "sukuk", an early Arabic form of cheque.
Treasury officials have been working behind the scenes for months on the plan.
The Koran says it is sinful to make money from money.
Oh hello. I wonder if we're at the heart of the 'them and us' thing now? I wonder whether the Daily Mail General Trust (revenue in 2006: £2.1billion) believes it's sinful to make money from money?
Anyway, I think you can guess what the good folk of the Mail messageboard have to say about this. No, can't bring yourself to look? Oh OK, but only because it's you.
So not happy with destroying our British historical heritage and debasing British values in favour of 'multiculturalism', the government now want to sell off our public assets to foreigners! NuLabour has to go, the sooner the better.
- Les Corrin, Southport, England.
Historical heritage, as opposed to...? Anyway, I'm teasing you Les. Nice effort there. Lovely use of a NuLabour there, you've done very well. *pats on head* And by the way, selling public assets off to 'foreigners' has been done for years, remember your beloved Thatcher in the 1980s? I bet you weren't so upset then, were you! And I suppose you'll be complaining about high electricity and gas prices the next time there's a story about them, and blaming 'NuLabour' as well?
The bonds are just a way of paying tax to the Imams. And its shameful and outrageous for a British government to support them, perhaps its because we are bankrupt thanks Mr. Brown, morally as well as financially.
- Chris Ashley, Ely, England
Yes, good try there Chris. But where's your 'NuLabour'? I'm going to have to take points off you.
Where's Guy Fawkes when you need him?
- Jacq M, Australia
Writing his unfunny blog?
I think God would know they are trying to find a way around paying interest by calling it something else. He will not be fooled.
- Martin, Zurich, Switzerland
Yes. I reckon if he existed, God would know about where all that gold in Swiss banks came from as well.
Prudence is proving to be the Great Whore of Babylon!
- Peter North, Sutton, England
Oh Peter. Peter, Peter, Peter. You've won. That's it. You've won the internet! No-one will ever, ever beat that! That's brilliant!
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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