I hate shopping in supermarkets.
I think it has to be one of the most soul-destroying experiences in the world: the bright fluorescent lights; the screaming children - called Jack, Jake, Nathan, Kaighleigh-Ann, Chantelle, Shanice, Letitia etc - scampering round your feet and trying to trip you up; the weary music popping up at you from TV screens, trying to make you buy shit you didn't come in for and aren't interested in; the overwhelming tackiness of the business; the tawdry buy-one-get-one-free economising of the whole thing, trying to convince you that you're doing something worthwhile rather than wasting your whole life away with pointless lumbering from one aisle to another, wondering where the dried figs are; the bleakness; the despair; the shared sense of unhappiness, worthlessness and gloom. But hey! The prices are a little bit cheaper than in your high street, so you're saving a few pennies for, er, spending in the same bloody place next week. And you can park easily! (Though some twat always manages to stick their 4x4/Transit/Volvo at a 45-degree angle to yours because, let's face it, they're allowed two spaces aren't they?)
But according to the telly box, I'll be tripping over millions of celebrities as I'm going to the supermarket this Christmas. Yes, that's right, you and I thought that celebs had no need of bumping their skiddy trolleys round the over-polished floors of Morrisons, Asda, Tesco et al - but no, according to the TV, they love it. They bloody love it!
Which is funny because I've never seen Lulu down my Morrisons or the Spice Girls in Tesco. I've never bumped into Ian Wright trying to sell me fish or that annoying bloke with the beard trying to flog me wine. Yet they don't mind stepping into these cathedrals to consumption when they can get a few bob back. Oh yes, they're more than happy to give the impression that they're down-to-earth, real folk if they can get some lovely cash - cash which, I'd imagine, goes to paying someone else to do their shopping for them rather than having to mix with proles like us.
Kerry Katona started it all off with Iceland - and still proudly advertises the brand. Just the sort of food you want if you've been on crack all night and find yourself a bit peckish, I suppose.
Now we have Morrisons (Lulu, Alan Hansen, Diarmuid Gavin, Nick Hancock, Take That), Asda (Wrighty, James Nesbit, Julie Walters), Tesco (Spice Girls) and of course Sainsbury's (Jamie Oliver) all trying for a piece of the pie. Maybe they love supermarkets so much they just want to tell us how great they think they are. Maybe they're doing a service to the world to encourage us to choose this brand rather than that brand. Or maybe it's been a lean year and they just new a few quid to see them through that difficult Christmas period.
No matter. As far as I'm concerned, a celebrity's integrity is in inverse proportion to the number of adverts they do - and if they're pretending to grin away as they do the weekly shop in a place you'd never actually see them in real life, then even more so. The more I see the desperate lengths to which the retail behemoths will go to try and encourage me to spend my hard-earned wages, the more I'd rather pop down the local greengrocer instead.
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